Wednesday, June 17, 2009
a kid was peeping by the door to the hut, trying to catch a glimpse of the meal that was being set up on the table. he was about half my height, and was thin for his age of 8. his brothers were outside, two of them playing by the duyan, singing random songs with his sibling as they were running around it with glee. a little girl was by the slope across the patch of greens, she was happily patting the dog on its head while another puppy was licking her knees, and a lady of late 30's to early 40's in age standing by her, watching as her family around her went on with their lives.
i was with my mom, dad and my pamangkin, and we were setting the table up for lunch. we were having fried fish, salted eggs, bread, cereals and tuyo. mum was cooking this other dish (i forgot the name), and dad was talking to one of his colleagues on the phone.
when mom signalled to us that it was time for lunch, we all sat down and ate. our caretaker prepared other things for the table, and grabbed 5 pieces of tuyo and bread for his family. my pamangkin, already obese for his age, ate like he hasn't eaten for days. he grabbed from every dish and slammed them on his plate, very reminiscent of his father when we were his age.
as i was nibbling on bread with cereals on my spoon, i saw the kid from earlier watch my pamangkin with that look on his face. i can imagine how he must be feeling, life is unfair, they were having a pretty nice meal when we were having this simple meal. my pamangkin probably ate a whole day's meal for the kid of our caretaker just for that lunch, when our caretaker's family had a pretty uninviting meal by their side.
don't worry, they had a share of the dish my mum made (i think it was afritada? or kaldereta, i can't really tell one from the other), she saw the look on the kids face too, and remembered that she forgot to ask if they wanted some.
i wouldn't forget that scene ever, i felt for the kid. and it's good that they had a home with our farm at the province, but i was thinking what if we weren't there? we only visited our province like twice a month, and that's the only time they can get a nice meal like what we had. it really struck me how much i have and take for granted, and how much they have to live with however simple they may be.
i wish there was something i can do about them.
-
i was thrown off balance as our car swerved abruptly to the left when a jeep inched closer to the right of our car. my dad opened up the window by the passenger seat and shouted at the driver who seemed unaffected by what he just did, and my mom telling off my dad to just let it go.
it was a rainy afternoon as cars, pedicabs and people littered the streets of our neighborhood. the jeeps, annoying as they already are, upped it all by a notch as it was the usual hour of dismissal for high school students. my dad was, as with every other day when he drives me to school, raving about how bad our roads are. he never runs out of things to say about it, or at least never gets tired of bashing it no matter how redundant he already sounds.
as he was talking to my mum about their work, i distracted myself with the view from outside our car. we stopped with the red light, by a hospital along this road we always take to my school, and as it turned green we went on when a tricycle suddenly zoomed in front of us to the other lane, fueling dad's rage about the roads even more. i couldn't help but feel tired of his rants about it, as this was the scene every time i'm riding with them.
there was traffic along the avenida, and the rain poured outside. a street kid was walking with bare feet on the ashphalt with a bucket on one hand and a rag on the other. he stopped by this car in front of us and started washing the window by the driver, scrubbing it with all his might, trying to reach it because he wasn't even tall enough to reach the top of the window. when he was done with it, he knocked on the window and had his palm up asking for alms.
the green light went on.
and the car drove off.
"tsk, ang swerte talaga ng mga anak ko." and dad went on with his road bashing.
i was with my mom, dad and my pamangkin, and we were setting the table up for lunch. we were having fried fish, salted eggs, bread, cereals and tuyo. mum was cooking this other dish (i forgot the name), and dad was talking to one of his colleagues on the phone.
when mom signalled to us that it was time for lunch, we all sat down and ate. our caretaker prepared other things for the table, and grabbed 5 pieces of tuyo and bread for his family. my pamangkin, already obese for his age, ate like he hasn't eaten for days. he grabbed from every dish and slammed them on his plate, very reminiscent of his father when we were his age.
as i was nibbling on bread with cereals on my spoon, i saw the kid from earlier watch my pamangkin with that look on his face. i can imagine how he must be feeling, life is unfair, they were having a pretty nice meal when we were having this simple meal. my pamangkin probably ate a whole day's meal for the kid of our caretaker just for that lunch, when our caretaker's family had a pretty uninviting meal by their side.
don't worry, they had a share of the dish my mum made (i think it was afritada? or kaldereta, i can't really tell one from the other), she saw the look on the kids face too, and remembered that she forgot to ask if they wanted some.
i wouldn't forget that scene ever, i felt for the kid. and it's good that they had a home with our farm at the province, but i was thinking what if we weren't there? we only visited our province like twice a month, and that's the only time they can get a nice meal like what we had. it really struck me how much i have and take for granted, and how much they have to live with however simple they may be.
i wish there was something i can do about them.
-
i was thrown off balance as our car swerved abruptly to the left when a jeep inched closer to the right of our car. my dad opened up the window by the passenger seat and shouted at the driver who seemed unaffected by what he just did, and my mom telling off my dad to just let it go.
it was a rainy afternoon as cars, pedicabs and people littered the streets of our neighborhood. the jeeps, annoying as they already are, upped it all by a notch as it was the usual hour of dismissal for high school students. my dad was, as with every other day when he drives me to school, raving about how bad our roads are. he never runs out of things to say about it, or at least never gets tired of bashing it no matter how redundant he already sounds.
as he was talking to my mum about their work, i distracted myself with the view from outside our car. we stopped with the red light, by a hospital along this road we always take to my school, and as it turned green we went on when a tricycle suddenly zoomed in front of us to the other lane, fueling dad's rage about the roads even more. i couldn't help but feel tired of his rants about it, as this was the scene every time i'm riding with them.
there was traffic along the avenida, and the rain poured outside. a street kid was walking with bare feet on the ashphalt with a bucket on one hand and a rag on the other. he stopped by this car in front of us and started washing the window by the driver, scrubbing it with all his might, trying to reach it because he wasn't even tall enough to reach the top of the window. when he was done with it, he knocked on the window and had his palm up asking for alms.
the green light went on.
and the car drove off.
"tsk, ang swerte talaga ng mga anak ko." and dad went on with his road bashing.
posted at around 10:27 PM
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Sunday, June 14, 2009
semi transparent glass.
transparent glass.
orange tinted glass.
yellow tinted glass.
translucent materials.more of my test renders.
i haven't been posting anything on this site. i've seem to have lost interest in writing (or just lack the inspirations of doing so), and i find sharing dragging everyday life a boring topic so i'd rather not write anything at all. i don't know if anyone out there honestly reads through my nonsense, but yeah i'd rather share about my sad/happy/soppy/emotional life than anything else if you people have noticed.
i've been bored and stuck at home for most of the summer. and it's frikkin getting to my head, lol. what have i been busy with? a surprisingly addictive game about plants fighting off zombies, haha. what else? hmm, i've been trying to play (ew, play?) with the settings on 3ds max so that i'd finally have photo realistic renderings and not comicky ones like what i had for my plates.
so far i've been able to get the hang of interior rendering, i think? i've gotten used to mental ray for my 3ds max renderings, but as everyone else would prefer vray for it i'm struggling with understanding new settings and shiz. but i agree that it does look more realistic than mental ray, or maybe i wasn't around mental ray that much to get to that good part but whatever.
who said summer's supposed to be for beaches, parties and anything unrelated to school, haha. i guess that's not for me. :)
posted at around 8:36 AM
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Thursday, April 16, 2009
Beaver
Genera and species: Castor canadensis
Collective Term: A business of beavers
Genera and species: Castor canadensis
Collective Term: A business of beavers
Description 
Beavers are the workaholics of the animal world.
No animal personality places more emphasis, nor derives more self-esteem than beavers do from their careers. Organized and structured, their determined attitudes spill over into all aspects of their busy lives and they plan for the future almost unconsciously. Decisions made regarding their relationships, careers and families are methodically and practically prepared, and they are most comfortable at work or ensconced in their fastidiously decorated homes. In their spare time, beavers love to busy themselves around the house or tend their precisely manicured lawns.
The beaver is an eager lover and its relationships seem to survive the most difficult challenges, for once a beaver has made a commitment to its partner, it will move water and earth to uphold its promise. They are passionate but hardly imaginative in their lovemaking, for their partners' approval is too important to gamble with risky play. This makes the beaver unique amongst the water mammals who are usually willing to get their feet wet. But, even with their conservative libidos, beavers are still attracted to casual relationships with the free-spirited aquatic dolphins, sea lions, walruses, and otters.
While others are playing, beavers are usually hard at work. They are well prepared for any eventuality and their homes are well stocked with spare water, emergency radios and survival kits. Even the beaver is not sure why it spends such energy in securing its home, but it instinctively feel more comfortable when it does.
Beaver personalities come in all shapes and sizes. Generally in good physical condition, they find time to keep fit even with their busy work schedules. Their conscientious attitudes makes them dependable as friends and a commitment from a beaver is like money in the bank.
Family life is important to beavers although they generally have few offspring. As parents, they are predictably reliable but fight a tendency to be over-controlling. By keeping a close eye on their children's progress in school, their offspring are under constant pressure to perform to the beavers' high level of expectation. As they grow older, children are expected help with supporting the family.
Beavers are patient listeners although they rarely follow advice. While they might confide in a close friend about personal issues, they usually choose to internalize their feelings instead. And a beaver wouldn't dream of confronting someone with whom it has a problem. It would much rather blow off steam by complaining behind their backs or by punishing them in subtle ways.
-
lol.
posted at around 9:59 PM
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
: i've given it much thought, na although i really am sad na we're not together now, it's just hard living through someone you talk to only on the internet and the fone.
: after a year of doing that (and only three weeks of being together), i think all i need is someone i could be with as in BE WITH physically.
: alam mo un?
: i'm not talking about sex here, just the companionship and shit like that.
: it's so hard going through problems at home and at school and all you have for companionship is an emoticon on ym or a sigh on the fone.
: and at the end of the day you'll try sleeping and wish you had someone with you trying to make you feel better.
: diba?
: after a year of doing that (and only three weeks of being together), i think all i need is someone i could be with as in BE WITH physically.
: alam mo un?
: i'm not talking about sex here, just the companionship and shit like that.
: it's so hard going through problems at home and at school and all you have for companionship is an emoticon on ym or a sigh on the fone.
: and at the end of the day you'll try sleeping and wish you had someone with you trying to make you feel better.
: diba?
posted at around 10:19 PM
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Sunday, April 12, 2009
Naiinis ako! Argh!
posted at around 4:15 AM
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wii, jamlegend. =)
posted at around 2:57 AM
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Wednesday, April 08, 2009
cold air brisked through my spine as i walked on the streets of our neighborhood, which was anything but crowded at that moment, and pretty much an uneventful scene to witness. there were no vehicles, and the sky was clear...free from the haze that usually graced the celestial sphere.
there was something different about this day i said to myself. as i walked past a puddle of water on one corner of our street and turned left, i saw kids playing near a bicycle, to which a dog was chained and was happily jumping up and down as the kids laughed around it. they were amusing to watch, but i continued walking. i turned right after around thirty paces, and continued treading on rough cement unevenly cured to an empty street, vehicles parked on either side of the road. at the end of this street were people gathered, i walked past them and turned left...after 20 paces turned right. at the end of this road was a light post, opposite of it was a humble house.
i entered the house and saw that everyone was gathered inside.
the children started crying as the light dimmed, sheathing the family hall in total darkness. there were roughly 15 people in the room, a mix of children and adults...all with their attention to two people seated on the chairs in front of the grand piano. i looked around and saw that everything was still, and felt a slight chill in my spine as cold wind gushed in from the windows, yet the curtains stayed perfectly straight.
everyone started mumbling, but i could not understand a word. they seemed to be singing, but it was far from what i have been accustomed to. with the occasional grunts from my dad and monotonous wails from one of my cousins, i knew that something was wrong. my aunt came in, her arms slightly bent towards her front, with it a cake and the only source of light in the room...an elaborately decorated candle. she walked towards the two people in the center of the crowd, an old lady and an old man, sitting beside each other.
it was an eerie episode, and i started walking towards the door. as i was about to step outside, someone tapped my shoulder and i saw that my it was my grandma, one of the two seated in front of the grand piano. i was startled at seeing her this close that fast, and saw that all of them were staring at me now.
i didn't say a word, i don't know what's happening. i looked at my lola's face, and i felt something in my chest. it started hurting, as though the blood going in was far too much for it to handle. i clutched my chest, seemingly trying to ease my heart of its pain, but it hurt so bad i couldn't even stand straight.
and then it stopped hurting. i was lying on the floor with my hands on my chest, sweat covering my face. i got up from the ground and saw that they were still looking at me, with my lola just a foot from where i stood.
"Is there anything wrong?" I asked my lola.
i was looking at her, intent on waiting for her response. she was looking back at me, but it feels as though she was looking through me. with one hand on her right shoulder, and the other on my side. i saw it, and i wished i wasn't looking at her.
her face was wrinkled, her eye lids drooping down to the gray freckles on both her cheeks. her cheeks were sagging of age, and her lips were purplish red. her hair was short, only reaching to her shoulders, and she stood to around 5 feet tall. her face had so many details, but as i looked at her eyes, i saw that it was empty. she was empty inside. she heaved a deep sigh, and i saw tears running down her eyes.
i looked at the two chairs in front of the grand piano, but saw that they were empty. the other chair was empty. i felt the pain in my chest again, and this time it was unbearable.
-
water trickled down my head as i was eaten up by the thoughts of that dream i just had that morning.
i put on my best clothes, and prepared for a family gathering that afternoon.
an old love song was playing on the background in the car to our meeting place. everyone was quiet, listening to it as though it was the new song from a recent popular artist.
we arrived at our meeting place, and were walking to the elevator lobby. we saw kids playing with a dog in one corner, i smiled upon seeing them. they seemed so happy. i clicked on the elevator button, and waited for the lift to come. i looked around and saw that the room was spotless. there was no trace of dirt on the marble floors, reflecting the light from the defined dropped ceiling. a bell rang, and we all entered the elevator.
we got off to the ground floor, and saw a lavish lobby in front of us. there was a crowd gathered outside, and they all seemed reserved. we walked past them and walked to the right, and saw a fancy ornamented gold double door, i peered through the glass installment on it and saw my cousins inside.
i walked in the room, and it was packed. from close relatives i've seen since my childhood, to the ones i rarely see, and those that i've never even heard of. i lost count on the number of people i've said "Mano po" to, and saw that i've unconsciously walked to a large room.
the perimeter of the room was covered with flowers, each of different designs and elaborately arranged. there were long seats, each filled with people chatting with each other. all facing a steel rectangular casement, with lights strategically placed to illuminate that point in the room. at its back was a depiction of a beautiful sunset, on top of which was a cross. and in front of the casement was an old lady, looking at the coffin, and i heaved a deep sigh.
"Mano po," I said to my lola. and she smiled upon seeing me. i looked at her face, her droopy eyes, her wrinkles, her freckles and her cheeks...she was smiling, but you could see in her eyes the sadness she is feeling for the loss of a loved one. after all it was her who knew our lolo the most, i can't imagine how bad she felt that day.
everyone was asked to move out of the chapel, and we all went up the top floor for the final viewing. we waited on the chapel on the top floor, and the coffin was brought in front of us for final viewing. it was then that everyone felt the reality of what was happening. we all gathered to say our final goodbyes to our lolo, and the crew escorted the coffin to the cremation chamber. as they were transferring the body to the tray to be used in the cremation, my tita started crying to her knees. everyone helped her up, and my mom was having a hard time dealing with the scene. i hugged my mom, and heard a loud siren sound...signalling the start of the cremation. the chapel doors closed, and we were left outside.
-
it was an endless hall of white and gold. piles upon piles of rectangular white and gold plated steel vaults surrounded the room. there was a distinct scent in the room that added to the character of the interior. we walked in the doors to the vaults, turned right after the first row, walked to the end of that row and saw an open vault.
bye bye daddy lolo.:)
there was something different about this day i said to myself. as i walked past a puddle of water on one corner of our street and turned left, i saw kids playing near a bicycle, to which a dog was chained and was happily jumping up and down as the kids laughed around it. they were amusing to watch, but i continued walking. i turned right after around thirty paces, and continued treading on rough cement unevenly cured to an empty street, vehicles parked on either side of the road. at the end of this street were people gathered, i walked past them and turned left...after 20 paces turned right. at the end of this road was a light post, opposite of it was a humble house.
i entered the house and saw that everyone was gathered inside.
the children started crying as the light dimmed, sheathing the family hall in total darkness. there were roughly 15 people in the room, a mix of children and adults...all with their attention to two people seated on the chairs in front of the grand piano. i looked around and saw that everything was still, and felt a slight chill in my spine as cold wind gushed in from the windows, yet the curtains stayed perfectly straight.
everyone started mumbling, but i could not understand a word. they seemed to be singing, but it was far from what i have been accustomed to. with the occasional grunts from my dad and monotonous wails from one of my cousins, i knew that something was wrong. my aunt came in, her arms slightly bent towards her front, with it a cake and the only source of light in the room...an elaborately decorated candle. she walked towards the two people in the center of the crowd, an old lady and an old man, sitting beside each other.
it was an eerie episode, and i started walking towards the door. as i was about to step outside, someone tapped my shoulder and i saw that my it was my grandma, one of the two seated in front of the grand piano. i was startled at seeing her this close that fast, and saw that all of them were staring at me now.
i didn't say a word, i don't know what's happening. i looked at my lola's face, and i felt something in my chest. it started hurting, as though the blood going in was far too much for it to handle. i clutched my chest, seemingly trying to ease my heart of its pain, but it hurt so bad i couldn't even stand straight.
and then it stopped hurting. i was lying on the floor with my hands on my chest, sweat covering my face. i got up from the ground and saw that they were still looking at me, with my lola just a foot from where i stood.
"Is there anything wrong?" I asked my lola.
i was looking at her, intent on waiting for her response. she was looking back at me, but it feels as though she was looking through me. with one hand on her right shoulder, and the other on my side. i saw it, and i wished i wasn't looking at her.
her face was wrinkled, her eye lids drooping down to the gray freckles on both her cheeks. her cheeks were sagging of age, and her lips were purplish red. her hair was short, only reaching to her shoulders, and she stood to around 5 feet tall. her face had so many details, but as i looked at her eyes, i saw that it was empty. she was empty inside. she heaved a deep sigh, and i saw tears running down her eyes.
i looked at the two chairs in front of the grand piano, but saw that they were empty. the other chair was empty. i felt the pain in my chest again, and this time it was unbearable.
-
water trickled down my head as i was eaten up by the thoughts of that dream i just had that morning.
i put on my best clothes, and prepared for a family gathering that afternoon.
an old love song was playing on the background in the car to our meeting place. everyone was quiet, listening to it as though it was the new song from a recent popular artist.
we arrived at our meeting place, and were walking to the elevator lobby. we saw kids playing with a dog in one corner, i smiled upon seeing them. they seemed so happy. i clicked on the elevator button, and waited for the lift to come. i looked around and saw that the room was spotless. there was no trace of dirt on the marble floors, reflecting the light from the defined dropped ceiling. a bell rang, and we all entered the elevator.
we got off to the ground floor, and saw a lavish lobby in front of us. there was a crowd gathered outside, and they all seemed reserved. we walked past them and walked to the right, and saw a fancy ornamented gold double door, i peered through the glass installment on it and saw my cousins inside.
i walked in the room, and it was packed. from close relatives i've seen since my childhood, to the ones i rarely see, and those that i've never even heard of. i lost count on the number of people i've said "Mano po" to, and saw that i've unconsciously walked to a large room.
the perimeter of the room was covered with flowers, each of different designs and elaborately arranged. there were long seats, each filled with people chatting with each other. all facing a steel rectangular casement, with lights strategically placed to illuminate that point in the room. at its back was a depiction of a beautiful sunset, on top of which was a cross. and in front of the casement was an old lady, looking at the coffin, and i heaved a deep sigh.
"Mano po," I said to my lola. and she smiled upon seeing me. i looked at her face, her droopy eyes, her wrinkles, her freckles and her cheeks...she was smiling, but you could see in her eyes the sadness she is feeling for the loss of a loved one. after all it was her who knew our lolo the most, i can't imagine how bad she felt that day.
everyone was asked to move out of the chapel, and we all went up the top floor for the final viewing. we waited on the chapel on the top floor, and the coffin was brought in front of us for final viewing. it was then that everyone felt the reality of what was happening. we all gathered to say our final goodbyes to our lolo, and the crew escorted the coffin to the cremation chamber. as they were transferring the body to the tray to be used in the cremation, my tita started crying to her knees. everyone helped her up, and my mom was having a hard time dealing with the scene. i hugged my mom, and heard a loud siren sound...signalling the start of the cremation. the chapel doors closed, and we were left outside.
-
it was an endless hall of white and gold. piles upon piles of rectangular white and gold plated steel vaults surrounded the room. there was a distinct scent in the room that added to the character of the interior. we walked in the doors to the vaults, turned right after the first row, walked to the end of that row and saw an open vault.
i regret not being as close to you as my other cousins were. i share that regret with my father, after hearing stories of you from my closest cousin. i never knew that side of you, and i guess i will never see that. we may not be the best grandsons you could have i'm sure, but we'll do our best to make you proud of our family.
bye bye daddy lolo.:)
posted at around 2:30 AM
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Wednesday, March 18, 2009
naliligo daw sa ulan ung mga ibon.
posted at around 2:17 AM
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Sunday, March 15, 2009
he works a lot. work is his happy time, it's when he forgets everything else that should make him sad. he doesn't work because he wants to, he works because he needs to. he needs to for himself, he needs to so he could wake up the next day and have something in mind to make himself busy, he needs to so he could escape.
many may see me him a dork, or as someone who knows nothing else outside his comfort zone which is architecture: but he sees himself as someone fragile. someone who's on the verge of breaking down, and the only thing keeping him from treading down to the pits of total aberration is his intrinsic finesse in evading what makes him down. this is what keeps him sane.
this is what keeps him company, in the absence of friends and people he can usually rely on, this never fails him. work never does. it keeps him going, it drives him to get up from bed and not think of the reasons why he would rather sit in one corner drained by the things that made him sad.
he doesn't want to be alone in his room, because alone time makes him think. he doesn't like the feeling of being alone in his room, it makes him sad. it makes him remember the happy times he had outside work, and that makes him down.
he doesn't want to be down, no one does. so instead of putting the strain on his eyes over heaps of sniffles and sobs, he strains them on staying up late at night til morning...because this, he thinks, is more worth his time than tending to his heart.
he just needs one big huggggg.
and then he'll start working again.
many may see me him a dork, or as someone who knows nothing else outside his comfort zone which is architecture: but he sees himself as someone fragile. someone who's on the verge of breaking down, and the only thing keeping him from treading down to the pits of total aberration is his intrinsic finesse in evading what makes him down. this is what keeps him sane.
this is what keeps him company, in the absence of friends and people he can usually rely on, this never fails him. work never does. it keeps him going, it drives him to get up from bed and not think of the reasons why he would rather sit in one corner drained by the things that made him sad.
he doesn't want to be alone in his room, because alone time makes him think. he doesn't like the feeling of being alone in his room, it makes him sad. it makes him remember the happy times he had outside work, and that makes him down.
he doesn't want to be down, no one does. so instead of putting the strain on his eyes over heaps of sniffles and sobs, he strains them on staying up late at night til morning...because this, he thinks, is more worth his time than tending to his heart.
he just needs one big huggggg.
and then he'll start working again.
posted at around 11:27 PM
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Monday, February 23, 2009
Italy. Vatican complex on the lower left of the photo.
Manila. Intramuros sa gitna.ang panget ng manila no? hahahahahahahahaha.
posted at around 10:23 PM
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.bmp)