...what about now?

2011-12-16T00:20:00.002+08:00

what would you have done differently?

ret·ro·spect. contemplation of the past; a survey of past time, events, etc.

it is human nature to regret. one moment we're certain of things, the next thing we know we might've taken a wrong turn somewhere. then we look back, trace our steps and realize that fork we just passed by tricked us into picking the wrong road.

too bad we don't have a preview of what might come as we go along. we only have ideals. the sad part is, these ideals we oh so perfectly engineered in our head don't really get to be realized as we thought they'd be. there'd be that stain on the left corner of that image, or that gash from that top end to the bottom, then we realize we aren't looking at the same picture anymore. we're in another place: lost, figuring things out as we get used to the imperfections. then we settle, jump on that cliff and recollect, wasn't there another way to get through this than what i just did?

thinking in retrospect gives you that false authority over not knowing. who's to say we picked the wrong road? who's to say jumping wasn't a good idea either? Ab actu ad posse valet illatio, but to deduce can only get us so far. we can reason our way out of the most absurd things to justify what we think is right, but then again, who are we to judge if we made the right call?

it's like a plague that gets into your head, you think for a moment you know what to do, then you realize you just don't.

what would you have done differently?

i would've stopped asking that damned question. we learn a whole lot from getting lost than what we would've from when we're not. so when that next fork comes around we know how it feels to not know, and hopefully we won't have to look back.

~~regret~~, that's one word i'm definitely crossing out from my vocabulary.

2011-12-06T00:31:00.005+08:00

it was an uneventful--cold-quiet evening and i randomly thought of looking up possible ideas for whatever and i settled for checking how much future education may cost me.

so, according to CCA's (California College of the Arts, a random school I looked up since I had relatives there) financial aid admissions cost of attendance calculator, I needed 52 420 dollars for one term. ONE TERM!! that would be around 2 358 900 pesos!! FOR ONE FREAKING TERM!

no wonder they only have nearly a quarter of their population (29.54%) have a bachelors degree.

granted i'm reaaaally so qualified for their financial aid/scholarships/loans (ugh) the net cost would be around 464 000 pesos, gah.

so depressing. oh well, i guess that's not for me.

2011-11-27T01:17:00.003+08:00

nobody really bothers fixing their bed anymore,

or cares what that weird weather guy dressed up like he's always in the safari said on tv.

i bet most people would spend much of their money on the most unnecessary things,

or get a bit out of control with their friday night.

but what if friends suddenly come over and see your privees "inopportunely" hanging on that sofa?

or that it suddenly starts raining and you just wished you were a little more attentive that morning.

it's a bummer when you suddenly had to get something and your wallet's all dust,

or fuck that swerve got the best of your already alcohol flooded head.

the little things count, that's what i always say.

there's nothing "opportune" about getting a little too late for an important meeting when you keep on raping that snooze button every freaking day.

you lie about what you had for breakfast, the next thing you know you're telling stories about how great your weekend was.

you scratch yourself a couple of times when you're upset, i'll be willing to bet my whole life you'll die by your own shit fault and rot in a whole eternity of reliving your own doing.

nobody really bothers fixing their bed anymore. nobody cares about the little things, and that's just sad.

2011-11-24T15:05:00.001+08:00

sweat, dripping from my temple as my legs move at a repetitive pace. rushing through currents of wind, everything seemed to give way to my existence.

you've always been there for us. always, there for us. even when he had his flaws, even during times when you were led to believe otherwise, you've always been there. never failing, feeble you may have felt from the deceipt that was deeply regretted but you've always been there. always selfless.

lights swerving, faces blurred. i spotted a sillhouette of uneven ground ahead, "Run around it." i told myself. bam went the sound of metal on metal, as i took to my left at a building being erected. i felt the strain on my legs as i crossed the grandstand, "Just to that corner." i egged myself on.

i remember when we were kids, you'd hide gifts on that unassuming slot in the wall of that toilet. we'd run around try looking for it before christmas comes so we'd get to open our gifts early. whatever happened to days like that?

my heart was beating out of my chest as i took a rest while treading lightly. walk, past the monkey bars i walked. past the cars parked on the sides, and that fake beach volley thing they put up, i walked.

then i ran.

2011-11-07T15:14:00.002+08:00

it's like sugar, or that tv personality that's always on everywhere. that song that always plays on the radio, or that food your mom always gets you every morning.

it's the sun rising, and setting, or the moon lurking behind that cloud, then succumbing to dawn. it's the stars that quiver with it's twinkly gleam, always in the same spot til their dad gets up and outshines them.

it's tiresome, arduous, wearying, irksome, laborious, monotonous: need more words for it?

2011-11-01T19:00:00.002+08:00

thick liquid spat on the ceramic floor, as it melted from the gentle fire burning above.

i wake up every morning thinking of you. you probably're still sleeping, mouth half open, arm up your left shoulder. with your legs sprawled in the most bizarre positions, you never were the poised sleeper. i found that cute.

i catch the train, not minding that smelly day worker, nor that naggy mom and her smutty little daughter, and look eagerly at my phone, wishing it was one of those days when you'd say take care, or that you miss me. there are times that i mindlessly grin meriting me that awkward stare from the college lass in front of me, there were also the days when i'd just sigh at the morose state of my social life, but hey, i'm not complaining (sometimes i do, but you know how babaw that is.)

a puddle of hot wax formed by the crease where that burning miniature torch stood, poked it with my finger and saw how imprinted on the semi-translucent surface was my identity, lines that define who i am.

it's the weekend again, and i look forward to spending more time with you. you were fun to be with, you never fail to make me laugh. your bone structure fits my shoulders perfectly, and so do mine. your hands weren't as gentle as most would find attractive, but it's perfect as it is. we were perfect.

wind blew on the candle, but the flare on top of it just flickered with the wind. it burned to about 3mm from the wax that lay on its liquid crater, but it still managed to get back to its relaxed state. red orange and yellow, their dance continued on top of their crimson stage, not failing to awe their spectator at the marvel their show was.

i love you more than anything else. you make my everyday exciting, me wanting to be with you more. the things we could still do, the things we haven't done yet, everything we already did. i cherish. every part of you i love, from that slight wave on the ends of your hair down to that small wrinkle on your hands. i love you more than anything else.

thick liquid spat on the ceramic floor, as it melted from the gentle fire burning above. the wax is nearing its end, fire burning close to the floor. its light reflecting from the matte cream lining that extends towards a modular end. i don't want it to burn out. i don't.

2011-08-11T23:01:00.001+08:00

inspiring. (Jobs, 2005)

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960’s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

2011-07-09T13:12:00.002+08:00

it's these cracks that we try to patch up, pretend it's not there. we cover them with wallpapers, plaster on some cement and do some repainting, but it's still there, hidden behind these veils continuing to tear with time.

2011-05-04T20:40:00.004+08:00

you spend most of your life making decisions: from what you eat, where you decide to go, how you want to go where you decided to go, what time you tuck in for the night, or wake up in the morning, the list is interminable.

i'd like to think that the idea of being lost is just an illusion and that it's pointless to think you took the wrong fork in the road. we never know what we really want anyway, so why bother worrying if we're not getting what we wanted now? who knows where what we wanted now would take us to in the future? or would it matter if we got what we wanted, when something else out there can offer us a far more interesting turnout than what we had in mind?

brain rape, i know. i'm overthinking, I KNOW. but for me, regretting you made a decision: that one line you said to a friend that marked the end for you guys, that wrong turn on the road getting you an hour late, that slight mishap that got your boss vocally fucking your face off making you want to just disappear into blissful insignificance, is stupid. crying over spilled milk as the cliché would put it, everything leads everything else on.

2011-04-26T22:07:00.002+08:00

"going to bed? according to reader's digest, if you happened to not pray before you sleep there's a 50% chance that unusual creatures would stare at you."

FOR SOME REASON I GOT FREAKED OUT BY THIS RANDOM SMS I GOT. lol.

2011-04-23T14:43:00.003+08:00

jets of light stream through hundreds of artistic holes punched through the concrete of the veranda, as cars from two levels below drive through a not so busy road network. the veranda was dark, as my eyes weren't so used to this absence of light yet, vague profiles of leaves from potted plants, minute silhouettes of the sky against a thin sheet of cloth, and a misty reflection on the ceramic floor are all i could make out from the scene. as i puffed through my death stick a car zoomed from below, streams of white smoke came out as i exhaled, and i saw how fluid it moved with little wind to disrupt its tranquility.

a cake, a musty hallway, a rat treading the intersection of the wall and the floor to my left, a light by the end, and you walking away.

three hours, i've been on this chair with this darkness around me. a cool breeze brushed through my neck, leaves fluttered with the wind, as shadows traversed from my back to the concrete on my left to the room beyond mine, i remembered.

i was slowly walking, wanting you to stop. a rat treading the intersection of the wall and the floor to my left on a musty hallway. a cake on my hands, its wrapping screeching from the movement. the only light by the end of of the hallway showed me how you walked away and i was trying to catch up.

the roughness of the veranda was authentic, pebbles were sprinkled on and hardened to a ledge as i see the ribbons tied to some plants resigned to gravity and swayed helplessly downward. the moon shone triumphantly through the clouds, as hundreds of grilles casted shadows on the ceramics and on my seat. the ember from my death stick slowly dying out.

i stopped, hands on your present. a symbol of our longevity yet here you were, walking away. i stopped and i cried. i couldn't help it. drops splashed through the wrapping and i just stood there. petrified to my position, and you came back.

doubts, they can't be shaken that easily off. we could take cues from king kong, how love shouldn't be deemed inappropriate without understanding the sincerity of the ordeal. kong went up the empire state to protect ann, yet aircrafts fired missiles at it thinking it was doing something wrong.

it has been a great 20 months, i can't describe how great it was, but i know it is and always will be a great deal in my existence. doubts may come in, and fights and misunderstanding and all those shitty bastards that may ruin what we have, i hope we both get through them together.

i love you. and you know that.

2011-02-15T12:30:00.005+08:00

droplet.

the refracted image of greens, the neighboring house, the old lady looking out her own veranda. holding on to whatever friction there was that bound it to this fragile stem, bending with the wind, swaying with the very whisper of the heavens.

thinking, my head blank as the sheer face of black obsidian except for this tiny speck.

light, caustics. prism imprinted on the gravel below. the textured ledge, the soil beneath it. teardrops of the sun laid out in colors on the ledge.

wind, touching with its gentle knife. the droplet bending downwards, seemingly wanting to give in to gravity, naturally fall to the soil below.

the droplet, i won't let go. i'm sorry.

2010-10-10T20:26:00.002+08:00

dear grilled cheesus,

i was laughing at this conversation i was having with my friend when mom came and asked if she could use the computer for a while. well, as loving as i am, i said yes. even though i knew all she'd be doing would be looking at her horoscopes, checking out feng shui tips, and a slight comment spam on facebook, i said to myself fine. i haven't talked to her in a while so ok, i'll just painfully sit through another 10 or so minutes of her finding out where the songs she like are or whatever.

so while she was browsing through facebook, she remembered this song she started liking because of her routine church group. dear god it's a hillsong united track. she clicked on the youtube video, and it started playing. grilled cheesus, as it did, with songs of praise piercing through my right ear she looked at me with those eyes. asking me when i intend on joining her church group and finding the right path.

i politely told her, with a tone of mild sarcasm on my voice, that "mom, hindi ko na kelangan sumali sa group na yan para mapatunayan na mabuti akong tao." (hold me close let your love surround meeeee, the line playing in the background while i said that.)

grilled cheesus she won't listen to me. you know what she thinks? she thinks she won't be forgiven if i don't attend her church group. she asked for your father's help, saying "Diyos ko tulungan niyo ko.." while clutching her head with both her hands.

i smiled and said, "Ano ba mom, sinasaniban ba ko ng demonyo at kelangan pa ng tulong ni Lord para mahatak ako sa group niyo?"

she laughed, oh great cheesy lord i love her so much. but please tell her she won't be condemned to hell if i don't go dancing singing praises and jumping shouting hallelujah every 5 minutes pretending i cared at every miserable person clinging to preaches of false hope and faux inspiration. it's sad that there are some people too scared to move on with their lives, and instead grab hold of shitloads like these to sort of "help" them cope.

grilled cheesus don't go striking me down with your cheddar bolt and mozzarella balls just yet, i still thank you for giving hope to my mom. i know she's hit the hardest of us all, and it sucks that i think this way but. thanks your cheesy majesty.

love,

justin beaver

2010-10-10T18:16:00.003+08:00

strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard

we all seemed in uniform motion as the car jerked forward with the brake, a bus swerving by our right intent on overtaking a sleek, minute, light carmine pink vehicle driven by my bestfriend (yes kirk, i looked it up. it's freaking pink.) to where we'd abuse our poor souls with a few drinks. we turned to our left at a u-turn slot as the cold, evening wind brushed through the car's casement.

streetlights people, living just to find emotion

the ashphalt grounded by the tires as they screeched their way through the famed avenue. street lights seemingly sweeping by our windows, rendering the interior of the vehicle a pale tint of yellow with our shadows rowing back and forth as though they were on a loop. a few people were still walking through parts of the avenue at this late hour.

don't stop believin, hold on to that feeling, streetlights peopleeeeeeeoowaahh

the vehicle slowly ascended to a slope, as we crossed a bridge towering above the road networks on ground level. the view of the cityscape wasn't a marvel to look at, but it was nice. trees were scattered all over the horizon like mushrooms over grass, covering parts of structures beneath it's dark leafy canopy.

it's this unbelievably catchy song from glee that's been harassing our throats all night. i looked at the clock and it displayed 1:11am, and it just turned 10/10/10.

ahh, i wish days like these would just go on and on and on and ooooon. strangerssss waitingg.

lol.

i should stop it with that damn song.

2010-10-09T11:33:00.002+08:00

i was pressing myself on the wall as hard as i can. hoping it would press back and give me at least a little comfort from the chills i was having that evening. my muscles were moving involuntarily, my body flushed in heat as i imagine lady fever laughing at its apparent success over my temporal bag of bones. make it stop, i whispered to my blanket. having covered myself in 3 layers of sheets which really doesn't seem to do me any good.

i went to work that morning feeling a bit better. and i kicked ass, preparing area tabulations and colored drawings for the palawan project, then finished conceptual presentations for this hotel in iloilo. i should get payed for this. ha. come november i'd really ask about my regularization.

ahh, i should be thankful life is this boring now. i guess we all need a breather, phases in our lives that seem a little too routine for our taste. the first half of this year was totally rough and i guess this is good.

life being boring for just a little bit. ahh.

2010-10-05T21:30:00.002+08:00

FAXED.

between working on holiday-inn, and shitting on robinsons palawan. and while doing minor works on robinsons galleria and getting fucked up with those stupid go hotels. work has been, well, pretty consuming. i fell asleep at lunchtime today and woke up 15 minutes after it ended with a nudge from my officemate.

2010-10-02T13:24:00.002+08:00

a tree doesn't wail when its leaves fall, it knows spring is inevitable.

the soil won't weep when it gets washed away, it knows it'll settle at some point, help some greens turn greener.

the world won't worry when one side goes dark, it knows dawn would break over it soon. but while it hasn't, it makes the stars and the moon its company.

everything around us tells us that we have nothing to worry about.:)

2010-09-15T22:46:00.005+08:00

The Answer to Prayers.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asks for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asks for a fish? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask Him." (Matthew 7:7-11)

i had my finger around its smooth surface as i examined the teals and the aquamarines inside it. the transparent glass vial showed me perfectly what it contained, moving around while i rubbed my hands around it. i took off its cylindrical plastic cap, and looked it up against the light to see through its translucency.

it was there that we kept the remains, mere memoirs of what seemed to be a life so different to what i have now.

it was on his cremation that, upon waiting for his ashes to be inurned, we were called to the cremation room for a brief, but apparently rare talk. you see, when people are cremated, it was rare to see certain colors on bones after the body was burnt to ashes. it was these teals and aquamarines that some thought were lucky (according to the person we talked to, it was a chinese belief).

dad didn't want to be kept in a locker for eternity, he wanted us to keep him with us at home. not everyone was keen on the idea, but we'd like to think he saw to it that we kept a part of him with us.

it was there that we kept the remains, mere memoirs of what seemed to be a life so different to what i have now.

i never really read the bible, except for when i was looking for a conveniently nice quote i could put on my research, or when i was so interested on reading the revelations. near the glass vial was a bible, mom might've been doing some reading before going to sleep.

i looked at it, the leather wrapping what could be plagiarism at its best, picked a random slit through it's many pages and opened it, closed my eyes, and ran through the page with both my pointing fingers on either page. stopped at a random spot, and chose to look at where my right finger ended and found me reading the verse i posted above.

i guess there's no point in not asking now, since He literally told me what to do.

P.S.

i still doubt you exist.

2010-09-10T02:27:00.000+08:00

down came the rain, pouring by the pound onto the muddy grade below. the bluster of the storm gashing on the plains like a hand slamming the ground swiftly rendered the environment in utter chaos. it was a dreadful scenario, but it was a beautiful day.

2010-05-16T00:22:00.004+08:00

i'll sit on the front porch all night
waist-deep in though because
when i think of you, i don't feel so alone.

2010-05-09T00:22:00.006+08:00

"Nasuot mo ba ng maayos neck tie mo? Halika nga dito ayusin naten."

mom fixed my tie for me, on our way to the university. it was a hot march afternoon, and the streets were jammed with vehicles as we crossed this bridge to españa. i was looking outside the car and felt my heart fall as the excitement of what's going to happen sunk in, i was about to graduate. those nights i spent spilling ink on my sheets and in keeping my eyes glued to the screen working on tons of designs are about to end (in an academic setting, anyway) and i'm to be ushered into the real world now.

dad was driving the car, asking me if i forgot anything for the big day. told him i was all set, and i asked them if they were ready to receive my award and they just laughed and said ang yabang mo talaga anak. i was kidding of course, but the smiles on their faces meant a lot to me. at last they were proud of having me as their son.

we walked through a concrete walkway, under a stone arch towards a statue with his one hand up and a finger pointing upwards, and a majestic facade on its back. i never really appreciated the beauty of this scene until this day; how the planting seemed to accompany me to my destination, the pinnacle of my undergraduate studies.

"Tara let's take a picture before you go to the queue."

my dad told mom and me, and we stood at the center of the walkway, with the cross of the university's heritage structure shining with the sunlight. everyone was happy, well, they should be. the mass of relatives and friends flocked near the statue all seem that way. everyone was smiling. mom and dad, too, wrinkled their facial muscles, and smiled. i made my usual face, had my two hands up with an ok sign, and posed for the camera.

"1...2...FLASH."

-

a lady in a pink top was near the bedside as i entered the room. the walls were white, a meal was prepared for their merienda and a man was lying on the bed, talking to the lady in pink. i came in dressed up, all prepped up for my big day. a boy by the age of 19 was on the side chairs, watching television set in the lowest volume there is.

"Di ka ba magsusuot ng neck tie, anak?"

asked the lady in pink, she had puffy eyes. and seemed to be holding back her tears. mom looked so tired, she must have been up all night. my dad looked at me and smiled. it was my graduation day.

"Happy birthday, mom."

was the first thing i told her, she smiled too as she talked to me about my graduation.

it was a hot march afternoon, and the streets were jammed with vehicles as we crossed this bridge to españa. i was looking outside the car and felt my heart fall as the excitement of what's going to happen sunk in, i was about to graduate. this was not how i imagined this scene to be.

i was running late for the graduation, and i was alone in the car with my driver. i looked at the back seat, and imagined mom scrambling for make-up forcing me to have some on my face. i was imagining her fixing my top, putting my tie on perfectly and smiling back for my big day. i looked at the driver and saw my dad, his rectangular rimmed glasses lying on top of his nose and saw him look back at me. except this wasn't happening, i was alone. i looked out the window i felt my heart fall, not with excitement, but with disappointment at how things turned out. i imagined this day to be perfect. and it wasn't.

i was walking through a concrete walkway, under a stone arch towards a statue with his one hand up and a finger pointing upwards, and a majestic facade on its back. i imagined myself making my usual photo face, with mom and dad on either side smiling. except this wasn't happening. i rushed to the queue and saw everyone there, i got there just in time. the queue started to move towards the university's main building.

it was graduation day.

-

work seems fun, the crowd is nice and the office is not as toxic as i imagined it to be. i made my first revit 3d model on my first freaking day! pressureee! fuckkk, i thought i couldn't do it (but i told my boss i could LOL) but yeah i got lucky. i wish i can post ittt! but well, it's not my design so i really can't.

it's the weekends but i'm home! i don't have compensation from my office so technically i'm REALLLY BROKE. but yeah, i'm loving office right now. i got through my first week!:)

in other newsss, i'm missing someone. i hope you get back safe after the elections. i hope the elections do push through, if not then i hate to say i told you so.

well if the elections do push through i'm betting gibo would at least get to number 2. fuck surveys.

2010-03-28T22:04:00.002+08:00

metastatic malignant tumor with histologic features of a moderately differentiated tubulo-acinar adenocarcinoma infiltrating extensively the fatty tissues, surrounded by moderately demosplastic stroma. the tubules are lined by ___ (text not readable) cuboidal cells with large, pleomorphic, vesicular nuclei. occasional intra-luminal mucin secretions are seen.

the above written text is a death sentence, for people who don't know their medicine.

hello 20 000th viewer.:)

2010-03-24T11:38:00.004+08:00

pa paa paaaaaa.

-

aren't you guys annoyed i post melodramatic, sad, or REAAALLLY long posts? ok here's a random one.

i have a bad case of paranoia, the following are instances cooked up (pretty nicely at that) by one of my biggest adversaries, my overly active imagination.

1 - calle

i have a thing for sudden movement, that's why i never played basketball. everytime i hear something moving fast, especially when i'm outside walking an uncrowded street and suddenly someone runs by my heart would pound so hard. there are times when i'd imagine someone stabbing my back or grabbing my fone, or being run over by a truck or be shot at a road rage incident.

2 - paaa paa paaara

i've had a looot of jeep scenes, ranging from a bone crushing death, my head getting impaled to having my fingers all scraped off by another jeepney.

the bone crushing incident happened when the jeep suddenly stopped, making everyone slide to the front of the jeep while sitting, i was on the mid part of the seating area when this happened, then a scene concerning my ribs clasping together like two hands in prayer almost made me throw up.

the head impale scene happened when i was in the passenger seat beside the jeepney driver, seated with my head out the passenger seat door. imagine tempered steel bars, 10mm diameter, bundled together. you know how these things were sometimes loaded up a motorcycle and imagine it bouncing up and down with the ride. that triggered a scene in my head concerning a road intersection accident ramming the motorcycle to my side of the jeepney and impaling my head sideways. (this is one of my favorite paranoia scenes. lol.)

i love seating at a jeepney half full, when i can sit sideways and face the window with my arm on the railing and my fingers on the exterior of the jeepney. i was facing the side of the road with cars going the other way and then there was this one jeep that almost gashed the side i was at. my fingers were on the exterior of the jeepney. i imagined my four fingers cracking backwards, making the back of my fingers touch the back of my hand.

-

i would post more, but i have a fail memory.

bv go away!:) fuck cancer.

2010-03-03T22:40:00.002+08:00

this is not another thesis post, nor a parent-hate bash post, and not even a religion hater post. this one's different, i promise.

it's 3:o1AM and the concrete halls are still, the rooms were dark and everything was calm except for this wretched tune that kept playing at this minute every morning. to imagine how annoying it was, listen to the over-saturation of political jingles flooding our calles, and play it over and over and OVER again, it's that annoying. i was about to put that last line that would make up the walls of my basilica when it started ringing. my parents usually wake up at this hour to prepare for their day ahead, and mine was only nearly halfway through since i sleep in the mornings to avoid everyone else around here.

i wondered if i would ever finish this blaspheming, architectural fantasy i had of conceptualizing this type of development here. i'm barely through a quarter of the workload and i couldn't even imagine how my other structures would look like. as i was creating mouldings on the eastern facade of my design i thought to myself various scenarios all concerning me not finishing my thesis and people disappointed at how things turned out. most of them made my heart feel cramped, so i decided to take a break and have snacks instead.

one night i was working on the museums, finalizing details on the lower ground to basement level, attaching concrete panels to the interior walls and pulling down the ground to create gardens when my dad opened the sliding door just behind my computer and a little to the left and asked if his writeup was already on this website. i thought to myself, what the fuck? it was 1:24AM and that's the first thing he'd ask me about, ask how many hits his article got? i still beat him by thousands with my blog though, LOL.

then there was this one time we were attending mass. well, i never liked attending mass. i never listened to what they said. i went to mass because mom and dad wanted us to. it was supposed to be a family thing. well yeah, me and my two younger brothers plus mom and dad, not speaking a word to each other amongst a throng of inattentive and "faithful" Catholics, and then going off on our car (which, inside, a librarian would be proud as no one would, again, speak.) before the mass ended, because dad had to go to the toilet and do his deed at inappropriately timed moments WAS a pretty good family thing. yeah it totally bonded us more, like when how i asked my brother to scooch a bit to the right for me to have a seat and when i asked my mom to pass me a piece of candy since i got the usual motion sickness, yeah it totally bonded us like, YEAH. and apparently one's bad stomach is a total hindrance to being a good Catholic. not that he listened to the mass though, as half the time we spent standing there i would catch him dozing off to daddy-wonderland.

it's 3:00AM and there goes that tune again, i think it's a military wake up call or something. the funny thing about that alarm is that they won't ever wake up on it's first play. you know how alarms have that most evil option for you to make it stop bugging you for a while until you get your schedule cheat and then it starts and then you get annoyed and shut it down and then bitch at yourself later because you didn't get to wake up earlier? that's what happens every morning, it usually goes on every 15 minutes, with a duration of 3-5 minutes or so each. imagine how annoying that is! and they wake up (for real) at around 4:00-4:30AM. an hour's more worth of stillness would've helped me loads, but yeah. fuck my life.

i remember staying up all night, with architecture who doesn't right? i just had my morning dose of caffeine and partly killed myself with the nicotine to help me think for my thesis when they were just about to leave the house, it was 5:02AM and the first thing mom said to me was this.

"Anak, matulog ka naman. Aanhin mo pa yang ginagawa mo kung mamamatay ka naman kakapuyat?" *in her best nag mood delivery*

come on, your son is working his ass off to get your money's worth. and that is what you'll tell him first thing in the morning when he's all tired and shit? a good morning would be nice, or an i love you anak galingan mo pa or something, instead you'd go start your day with me by nagging about not sleeping enough? a little gratefulness with my hard work would go a long way, but alas that's not how they think.

then there was the rebel brother, who wouldn't speak to my parents at all unless he was asking for money for school or telling mom and dad he won't get to get home tonight because he had something to do, oh wait, he never does that. while i'm still working on my computer, endlessly fucking my brains for whatever i was supposed to do there was dad, shouting about how unnerving my brother is for being the way he was. i've got to admit i admire my brother for that, and at the same time i wanted to tell him off about it. but as kids, we weren't brought up to talk about these things, weren't even asked about how our day went, or how school was, or if we've got ourselves a girlfriend or no. dad pleaded for me to talk to my brother, but we're complete strangers. we have a barrier between us that i don't know how to breach. sadly, i can't get to do much, aside from asking him what movie he was watching when he was using my computer or if he had spare scissors for whatever. yeah, we're that close.

it's 2:17AM and in 43 minutes that annoying tune would once again ruin my peaceful bonding with my good old friend Qually (my quad core pc, lol.)

but it's been different for a while now.

it's been a month since i heard that tune, nor have i seen that wooden sliding door open and see a man peeking asking for the number of hits in his article. it's been a while since we went to the church, spend time not talking while you were in daddy-wonderland, nor have i been brought to school while you were shouting curse words and mom was constantly telling you to be calm and stop being so agitated. it feels like years since you nagged me about not caring for my brothers, for not taking responsibility to discipline them. it's been a while since i hated you for being my dad, for being so all knowing and never listening to what we said because it was your say that should be taken into consideration.

it's been a while since you've been ok, and it pains me to feel that we're not capable of caring. of showing you that we cared, nor do things for you, or ask you how you feel. it pains me to see you struggle to walk, go to work at that state for the sake of making us feel comfortable at the life we got used to, because we're not capable of accepting the fact that we're not as well to do as we were before. it really pains me to see you pray, because i know you never did truthfully, and not be that son who'd join you and mom in praying, because i don't believe in it anymore. it hurts to hear you say you feel sad because it seems like we don't care at all. when in fact, we do care, we just don't know how to show it. it pains me to see you and mom cry, and not be that son who'd comfort you because i didn't know how to.

the only thing i did know was this, that i was working hard to impress you because that was the only way i knew i'm capable of, of being a good son by working hard. and see dad it did pay off! you know how proud i was when you and mom went to my exhibits? this is my way of saying i love you. this is not just a school project, nor an academic what'sits done for the sake of graduation, this was me telling you i love you because i know you worked hard for this. you and mom worked hard for this, and i don't care if i get that stupid award or no. what matters to me now is that i got appreciated by people, and i wanted to channel the appreciation to you and mom because you deserve this.

you deserve the things i dreamed of giving you. you deserve the house i was going to design for you, or the car i would get you, we could still go on trips around the world because you deserve your break, you deserve having time for yourself because you've been a good father. forget the mistakes you made, so what if i have a half brother? we should try to see the good in whatever is happening because i believe the world revolves around the good things, and the bad ones are all in our head because we find it hard to move on from our mistakes. we all make mistakes, but we should take whatever we learned from it, and move on...be a better person than before. that's why mistakes are good, that's why everything around us is a good thing, because we continue to learn and be better. you and mom deserve everything in the world that me and my brothers can give you. you just have to hang in there ok?

it's 2:52AM and i wish i could hear that tune again, or have that wooden sliding door open, or hear even a single curse word bashing my brother or telling our house help off, i would gladly take the nags and everything else, because i knew things were normal.

but i'd have to accept that this is my reality now. this is what we have to deal with.

2010-01-27T16:37:00.008+08:00

i can't believe it's all about to end. what i've been working on for the past two years is about to be complete. honestly, i don't know what to feel about it. it's like having a really good friend tell you s/he's about to leave in time and that you won't see him/her again.

my project has been good company to me, though i must admit he's been pretty much a bitch most of the time keeping me up all night. this makes me wonder what i am to do when it's over. but at the same time relieved that i can finally have the luxury to roll over my bed anytime i wanted to. lol.

BUT before i should get ahead of myself with the post thesis drama, i should make sure i REALLY finish my thesis before it's too late. haha.

in other news, Black's now friends with Oprah and Barbie, so much so that Oprah's been sniffing Black's butt quite often now, and has been poising to do the canine deed on Black everytime Black gets near her. i swear homosexual inter-specie relationships do not sound good. Oprah is one sick dog. i should prolly go stop them before they hurt each others feelings.

2010-01-15T07:59:00.004+08:00

me: meow meow meoowww?

Black: meooow.:(

me: meow meoow meoow. *huggg*

Black: meow meoww. *sigh*

me: meooow. *makes face*

Black: *stares at me and walks away*

this was me and my cat talking about how my mom ruthlessly threw away our two cats (which happen to be Black's mom and sister) to some random place so they can't find their way back.

can you blame me for feeling bad for the cat? everyday i go up to our rooftop i see Black and her sister running around scratching sofas, eating our food and torturing roaches (disgusting, i know. everytime they do this i stare at them and they stop, how cool is that?) whilst their mom was sitting by the derelict drum set watching her kids.

last night i saw Black walking around the house, which she rarely does constantly making cat sounds. i got annoyed with it as i was focusing on my shit, little did i know my evil mother threw away her family and she (Black) was looking for them.

i even saw Black trying to make friends with our dogs Barbie and Oprah (Barbie's blonde, and Oprah's black, racist i know. obviously, Black's well...a black cat. ) moving closer to Oprah, (i wondered why Black didn't approach Barbie, maybe Barbie's too blonde for her. ) but Oprah can't understand cats, Black just wanted company. Or maybe she just wanted Oprah's food.

i know how it feels to be alone, and having friends with you can make it all better. Black had her family with her, and now she's alone. torturing roaches won't be as fun without her sister, i guess.

(i never liked Black's sister, i used to lock her inside my room and smack her with my flops.)

2010-01-14T07:07:00.002+08:00

i wonder, would people go to my basilica if it was really constructed?

~~not that i would since i don't go to church anymore.~~

2010-01-02T01:48:00.003+08:00

Aut viam inveniam, aut Faciam.

Either I will find a way, or I shall make one. You should keep this in mind the whole year, and in every endeavour that comes your way.

So it's January 1, 2010. It's weird seeing that the first time. This past year has taught me a lot, and I won't ever forget the things it did. To make the most of what you have, and take nothing for granted.

Misery is just a tool of the devil to waste your time, but it can also be an instrument to make you strive for something better.

Either you will find your path, or you should make one.

Here's to a great year! ~~(2010, be nice to me.)~~

ONE MORE MONTH! You better make it your best!

2009-12-04T00:46:00.002+08:00

so i can't think of anything to post.

poor beaver blog been idle for a couple of months now.

2009-06-17T22:27:00.002+08:00

a kid was peeping by the door to the hut, trying to catch a glimpse of the meal that was being set up on the table. he was about half my height, and was thin for his age of 8. his brothers were outside, two of them playing by the duyan, singing random songs with his sibling as they were running around it with glee. a little girl was by the slope across the patch of greens, she was happily patting the dog on its head while another puppy was licking her knees, and a lady of late 30's to early 40's in age standing by her, watching as her family around her went on with their lives.

i was with my mom, dad and my pamangkin, and we were setting the table up for lunch. we were having fried fish, salted eggs, bread, cereals and tuyo. mum was cooking this other dish (i forgot the name), and dad was talking to one of his colleagues on the phone.

when mom signalled to us that it was time for lunch, we all sat down and ate. our caretaker prepared other things for the table, and grabbed 5 pieces of tuyo and bread for his family. my pamangkin, already obese for his age, ate like he hasn't eaten for days. he grabbed from every dish and slammed them on his plate, very reminiscent of his father when we were his age.

as i was nibbling on bread with cereals on my spoon, i saw the kid from earlier watch my pamangkin with that look on his face. i can imagine how he must be feeling, life is unfair, they were having a pretty nice meal when we were having this simple meal. my pamangkin probably ate a whole day's meal for the kid of our caretaker just for that lunch, when our caretaker's family had a pretty uninviting meal by their side.

don't worry, they had a share of the dish my mum made (i think it was afritada? or kaldereta, i can't really tell one from the other), she saw the look on the kids face too, and remembered that she forgot to ask if they wanted some.

i wouldn't forget that scene ever, i felt for the kid. and it's good that they had a home with our farm at the province, but i was thinking what if we weren't there? we only visited our province like twice a month, and that's the only time they can get a nice meal like what we had. it really struck me how much i have and take for granted, and how much they have to live with however simple they may be.

i wish there was something i can do about them.

-

i was thrown off balance as our car swerved abruptly to the left when a jeep inched closer to the right of our car. my dad opened up the window by the passenger seat and shouted at the driver who seemed unaffected by what he just did, and my mom telling off my dad to just let it go.

it was a rainy afternoon as cars, pedicabs and people littered the streets of our neighborhood. the jeeps, annoying as they already are, upped it all by a notch as it was the usual hour of dismissal for high school students. my dad was, as with every other day when he drives me to school, raving about how bad our roads are. he never runs out of things to say about it, or at least never gets tired of bashing it no matter how redundant he already sounds.

as he was talking to my mum about their work, i distracted myself with the view from outside our car. we stopped with the red light, by a hospital along this road we always take to my school, and as it turned green we went on when a tricycle suddenly zoomed in front of us to the other lane, fueling dad's rage about the roads even more. i couldn't help but feel tired of his rants about it, as this was the scene every time i'm riding with them.

there was traffic along the avenida, and the rain poured outside. a street kid was walking with bare feet on the ashphalt with a bucket on one hand and a rag on the other. he stopped by this car in front of us and started washing the window by the driver, scrubbing it with all his might, trying to reach it because he wasn't even tall enough to reach the top of the window. when he was done with it, he knocked on the window and had his palm up asking for alms.

the green light went on.

and the car drove off.

"tsk, ang swerte talaga ng mga anak ko." and dad went on with his road bashing.

2009-06-14T08:36:00.003+08:00

semi transparent glass.

transparent glass.

orange tinted glass.

yellow tinted glass.

translucent materials.

more of my test renders.

i haven't been posting anything on this site. i've seem to have lost interest in writing (or just lack the inspirations of doing so), and i find sharing dragging everyday life a boring topic so i'd rather not write anything at all. i don't know if anyone out there honestly reads through my nonsense, but yeah i'd rather share about my sad/happy/soppy/emotional life than anything else if you people have noticed.

i've been bored and stuck at home for most of the summer. and it's frikkin getting to my head, lol. what have i been busy with? a surprisingly addictive game about plants fighting off zombies, haha. what else? hmm, i've been trying to play (ew, play?) with the settings on 3ds max so that i'd finally have photo realistic renderings and not comicky ones like what i had for my plates.

so far i've been able to get the hang of interior rendering, i think? i've gotten used to mental ray for my 3ds max renderings, but as everyone else would prefer vray for it i'm struggling with understanding new settings and shiz. but i agree that it does look more realistic than mental ray, or maybe i wasn't around mental ray that much to get to that good part but whatever.

who said summer's supposed to be for beaches, parties and anything unrelated to school, haha. i guess that's not for me. :)

2009-04-16T21:59:00.002+08:00

Beaver
Genera and species: Castor canadensis
Collective Term: A business of beavers

Description
Beavers are the workaholics of the animal world.

No animal personality places more emphasis, nor derives more self-esteem than beavers do from their careers. Organized and structured, their determined attitudes spill over into all aspects of their busy lives and they plan for the future almost unconsciously. Decisions made regarding their relationships, careers and families are methodically and practically prepared, and they are most comfortable at work or ensconced in their fastidiously decorated homes. In their spare time, beavers love to busy themselves around the house or tend their precisely manicured lawns.

The beaver is an eager lover and its relationships seem to survive the most difficult challenges, for once a beaver has made a commitment to its partner, it will move water and earth to uphold its promise. They are passionate but hardly imaginative in their lovemaking, for their partners' approval is too important to gamble with risky play. This makes the beaver unique amongst the water mammals who are usually willing to get their feet wet. But, even with their conservative libidos, beavers are still attracted to casual relationships with the free-spirited aquatic dolphins, sea lions, walruses, and otters.

While others are playing, beavers are usually hard at work. They are well prepared for any eventuality and their homes are well stocked with spare water, emergency radios and survival kits. Even the beaver is not sure why it spends such energy in securing its home, but it instinctively feel more comfortable when it does.

Beaver personalities come in all shapes and sizes. Generally in good physical condition, they find time to keep fit even with their busy work schedules. Their conscientious attitudes makes them dependable as friends and a commitment from a beaver is like money in the bank.

Family life is important to beavers although they generally have few offspring. As parents, they are predictably reliable but fight a tendency to be over-controlling. By keeping a close eye on their children's progress in school, their offspring are under constant pressure to perform to the beavers' high level of expectation. As they grow older, children are expected help with supporting the family.

Beavers are patient listeners although they rarely follow advice. While they might confide in a close friend about personal issues, they usually choose to internalize their feelings instead. And a beaver wouldn't dream of confronting someone with whom it has a problem. It would much rather blow off steam by complaining behind their backs or by punishing them in subtle ways.

lol.

2009-04-15T22:19:00.003+08:00

: i've given it much thought, na although i really am sad na we're not together now, it's just hard living through someone you talk to only on the internet and the fone.
: after a year of doing that (and only three weeks of being together), i think all i need is someone i could be with as in BE WITH physically.
: alam mo un?
: i'm not talking about sex here, just the companionship and shit like that.
: it's so hard going through problems at home and at school and all you have for companionship is an emoticon on ym or a sigh on the fone.
: and at the end of the day you'll try sleeping and wish you had someone with you trying to make you feel better.
: diba?

2009-04-12T04:15:00.001+08:00

Naiinis ako! Argh!

2009-04-12T02:57:00.003+08:00

wii, jamlegend. =)

2009-04-08T02:30:00.005+08:00

cold air brisked through my spine as i walked on the streets of our neighborhood, which was anything but crowded at that moment, and pretty much an uneventful scene to witness. there were no vehicles, and the sky was clear...free from the haze that usually graced the celestial sphere.

there was something different about this day i said to myself. as i walked past a puddle of water on one corner of our street and turned left, i saw kids playing near a bicycle, to which a dog was chained and was happily jumping up and down as the kids laughed around it. they were amusing to watch, but i continued walking. i turned right after around thirty paces, and continued treading on rough cement unevenly cured to an empty street, vehicles parked on either side of the road. at the end of this street were people gathered, i walked past them and turned left...after 20 paces turned right. at the end of this road was a light post, opposite of it was a humble house.

i entered the house and saw that everyone was gathered inside.

the children started crying as the light dimmed, sheathing the family hall in total darkness. there were roughly 15 people in the room, a mix of children and adults...all with their attention to two people seated on the chairs in front of the grand piano. i looked around and saw that everything was still, and felt a slight chill in my spine as cold wind gushed in from the windows, yet the curtains stayed perfectly straight.

everyone started mumbling, but i could not understand a word. they seemed to be singing, but it was far from what i have been accustomed to. with the occasional grunts from my dad and monotonous wails from one of my cousins, i knew that something was wrong. my aunt came in, her arms slightly bent towards her front, with it a cake and the only source of light in the room...an elaborately decorated candle. she walked towards the two people in the center of the crowd, an old lady and an old man, sitting beside each other.

it was an eerie episode, and i started walking towards the door. as i was about to step outside, someone tapped my shoulder and i saw that my it was my grandma, one of the two seated in front of the grand piano. i was startled at seeing her this close that fast, and saw that all of them were staring at me now.

i didn't say a word, i don't know what's happening. i looked at my lola's face, and i felt something in my chest. it started hurting, as though the blood going in was far too much for it to handle. i clutched my chest, seemingly trying to ease my heart of its pain, but it hurt so bad i couldn't even stand straight.

and then it stopped hurting. i was lying on the floor with my hands on my chest, sweat covering my face. i got up from the ground and saw that they were still looking at me, with my lola just a foot from where i stood.

"Is there anything wrong?" I asked my lola.

i was looking at her, intent on waiting for her response. she was looking back at me, but it feels as though she was looking through me. with one hand on her right shoulder, and the other on my side. i saw it, and i wished i wasn't looking at her.

her face was wrinkled, her eye lids drooping down to the gray freckles on both her cheeks. her cheeks were sagging of age, and her lips were purplish red. her hair was short, only reaching to her shoulders, and she stood to around 5 feet tall. her face had so many details, but as i looked at her eyes, i saw that it was empty. she was empty inside. she heaved a deep sigh, and i saw tears running down her eyes.

i looked at the two chairs in front of the grand piano, but saw that they were empty. the other chair was empty. i felt the pain in my chest again, and this time it was unbearable.

-

water trickled down my head as i was eaten up by the thoughts of that dream i just had that morning.

i put on my best clothes, and prepared for a family gathering that afternoon.

an old love song was playing on the background in the car to our meeting place. everyone was quiet, listening to it as though it was the new song from a recent popular artist.

we arrived at our meeting place, and were walking to the elevator lobby. we saw kids playing with a dog in one corner, i smiled upon seeing them. they seemed so happy. i clicked on the elevator button, and waited for the lift to come. i looked around and saw that the room was spotless. there was no trace of dirt on the marble floors, reflecting the light from the defined dropped ceiling. a bell rang, and we all entered the elevator.

we got off to the ground floor, and saw a lavish lobby in front of us. there was a crowd gathered outside, and they all seemed reserved. we walked past them and walked to the right, and saw a fancy ornamented gold double door, i peered through the glass installment on it and saw my cousins inside.

i walked in the room, and it was packed. from close relatives i've seen since my childhood, to the ones i rarely see, and those that i've never even heard of. i lost count on the number of people i've said "Mano po" to, and saw that i've unconsciously walked to a large room.

the perimeter of the room was covered with flowers, each of different designs and elaborately arranged. there were long seats, each filled with people chatting with each other. all facing a steel rectangular casement, with lights strategically placed to illuminate that point in the room. at its back was a depiction of a beautiful sunset, on top of which was a cross. and in front of the casement was an old lady, looking at the coffin, and i heaved a deep sigh.

"Mano po," I said to my lola. and she smiled upon seeing me. i looked at her face, her droopy eyes, her wrinkles, her freckles and her cheeks...she was smiling, but you could see in her eyes the sadness she is feeling for the loss of a loved one. after all it was her who knew our lolo the most, i can't imagine how bad she felt that day.

everyone was asked to move out of the chapel, and we all went up the top floor for the final viewing. we waited on the chapel on the top floor, and the coffin was brought in front of us for final viewing. it was then that everyone felt the reality of what was happening. we all gathered to say our final goodbyes to our lolo, and the crew escorted the coffin to the cremation chamber. as they were transferring the body to the tray to be used in the cremation, my tita started crying to her knees. everyone helped her up, and my mom was having a hard time dealing with the scene. i hugged my mom, and heard a loud siren sound...signalling the start of the cremation. the chapel doors closed, and we were left outside.

-

it was an endless hall of white and gold. piles upon piles of rectangular white and gold plated steel vaults surrounded the room. there was a distinct scent in the room that added to the character of the interior. we walked in the doors to the vaults, turned right after the first row, walked to the end of that row and saw an open vault.

i regret not being as close to you as my other cousins were. i share that regret with my father, after hearing stories of you from my closest cousin. i never knew that side of you, and i guess i will never see that. we may not be the best grandsons you could have i'm sure, but we'll do our best to make you proud of our family.

bye bye daddy lolo.:)

2009-03-18T02:17:00.003+08:00

(insert horror theme here)

naliligo daw sa ulan ung mga ibon.

2009-03-15T23:27:00.002+08:00

he works a lot. work is his happy time, it's when he forgets everything else that should make him sad. he doesn't work because he wants to, he works because he needs to. he needs to for himself, he needs to so he could wake up the next day and have something in mind to make himself busy, he needs to so he could escape.

many may see me him a dork, or as someone who knows nothing else outside his comfort zone which is architecture: but he sees himself as someone fragile. someone who's on the verge of breaking down, and the only thing keeping him from treading down to the pits of total aberration is his intrinsic finesse in evading what makes him down. this is what keeps him sane.

this is what keeps him company, in the absence of friends and people he can usually rely on, this never fails him. work never does. it keeps him going, it drives him to get up from bed and not think of the reasons why he would rather sit in one corner drained by the things that made him sad.

he doesn't want to be alone in his room, because alone time makes him think. he doesn't like the feeling of being alone in his room, it makes him sad. it makes him remember the happy times he had outside work, and that makes him down.

he doesn't want to be down, no one does. so instead of putting the strain on his eyes over heaps of sniffles and sobs, he strains them on staying up late at night til morning...because this, he thinks, is more worth his time than tending to his heart.

he just needs one big huggggg.

and then he'll start working again.

2009-02-23T22:23:00.001+08:00

Italy. Vatican complex on the lower left of the photo.
Manila. Intramuros sa gitna.

ang panget ng manila no? hahahahahahahahaha.

2009-02-18T17:09:00.007+08:00

sketchup.sketchup + vray (day)1.sketchup + vray (day)2.
sketchup + vray (day)3.
sketchup + vray (day)4.
sketchup + vray (night) unfinished rendering.
sketchup + vray (night) final render.

-

can anyone who knows how to make displacement work teach me? i have all the settings right, i can't figure out why they don't work in the final renders. anyway. i have refraction and reflection going on the scene, damn displacement settings.

and the night render took quite a few retry's to get the right lighting (di pa nga tama yan eh) to illuminate the whole scene. from a normal 5 multiplier for omni lights the settings i used was a whopping 30000 multiplier for all omni and emmisive lights in the scene. LOL.

hello free time.=D

i just wanted to post something. this blog has been left stagnant and i seem to have lost my drive for writing shit whenever. lulz, but looking back this blog has been the witness to every dramas and kadire moments i've had and wala lang. haha.

baguio was nice. hee.:)

i loved the feeling of being free from everything that's been keeping me from being free (LOL) like school shit and parents telling you what not to do and what to do. anyway.

i wish the trip was longer though, i remember being on the terminal back to manila and getting all emotional...well that's because of a whole diff story but, yeah. i didn't want to go back to my old life.

but i have to, because without that i wouldn't be able to enjoy whatever's in store ahead.

so right now i'm in a hopeful hyperdrive, taking on distractions left and right (the good ones) to keep me sane while waiting for that time.

i miss walking around in tights! it felt liberating and light. it was like walking around campus without any pants on and it felt good. haha.

and life is not fair to everyone, so in a way that's being fair.

gah.

2008-12-24T16:23:00.001+08:00

holiday downeeeer.

negative vibes go away!

2008-12-20T19:04:00.003+08:00

christmas would've been loads better if you were here. owell.

i still have a lot to be thankful for this christmas. and you're on top of that list. WII.

UGH THE CHEESEEEEE. mwah mwah xoxo.=D HAHAHAHAHAH.

2008-12-17T12:32:00.003+08:00

wtf?! haha!

i waaaaaaant!

isa pa tooo!

2008-12-17T00:50:00.003+08:00

paskong pasko na sa uste!

ayun oh ang ganda. compare it to last year's shot, hm. wala naman masyado nagbago, mas maganda lang ung tree.

kawawa naman si rebecca "sweet honey" (sabe ng pencil case nia) peñafiel. malamig daw pasko nia eh, haha!

2008-12-12T13:42:00.003+08:00

one bldg down, two more to go! haha!

dinedelubyo ung building, for disaster preparedness kase yan. nye.

goodluck sa lahat!

hula ko lang marame reng iiyak pag kita naten ng score naten haha.

2008-12-08T23:01:00.001+08:00

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

2008-12-08T14:59:00.002+08:00

beeeber isshhaad, wantsssh theess off his chessht becoosh itshh meekinn it haard for hiim to breaathe.:(

2008-12-08T02:57:00.002+08:00

mukhang mga gago lang, haha.

2008-12-08T00:28:00.002+08:00

Angelo Ray : beaver's built his dam on faux wood and hollow lumber; hopes it doesn't break; beaver still loves his dam, wishes it holds itself up until beaver fixes things.

the dam he's built was too perfect for beaver to admit he's built it on false premises. beaver's sorry, from the deepest depths of his furry plushy build. beaver really loves his dam, wishes the tides aren't too hard on his precious art; wishes the dam holds up until beaver finds a flawless bundle to use in place of the old ones.

beaver wishes he was worth of his masterpiece, and is ashamed of his flaws. his dam is his life, and beaver would protect it no matter what. beaver knows his dam's holding itself up so he'd feel good of his work, and he feels bad for this. beaver loves his dam, too much that he wishes he worked harder for it.

beaver's really sorry. his dam's the best thing that's happened to him, and he'd stay up all night admiring his efforts, but beaver's bothered if he's worth his masterpiece.

i know the dam's willing to hold itself up. beaver's sorry his art had to endure and suffer from beaver's mistakes.

beaver loves his dam. he loves it so much and wishes beaver could endure the surges for his art.

hold on there will you? for beaver? beaver will make it up to you.

2008-11-27T03:25:00.001+08:00

i'm pathetic.

2008-11-26T15:24:00.005+08:00

it had a smooth paper finish, and was of cream white in color only tainted with ink that was penned around its body, slightly tapering downwards from a circular rim on its top. it wasn't serving it's purpose, but it was curiously significant to the person who had his fingers wrapped up around it as though it was his most treasured item.

he was looking at this object, and this alone speaks volumes. he shouldn't be looking at it the way he was, but he did. he doesn't understand why it's still an issue, but it still is apparently. the mind works in ways and reasons unbeknownst to its master, and this usually is when some pesky little muscle beats his way to screen the mind.

his fingers miss fiddling with the rim of this object, caressing its sleek rounded body, and looking at it with unseemly elation; this was the only way he has of fooling himself of what he really wants. the idea of the object, a representation of something much deeper than what was obvious. a symbol of what he used to long for, and of something that still pinches portions in his chest he doesn't want felt.

is he still one of those dolls, that toy soldier ready to salute to your command, never leaving your side...guarding what he thought was worth it? had he not tried taking cover long enough?

bwisit na baso yan.

2008-11-20T01:42:00.004+08:00

Bellas Lullaby - Edward Cullum

so it's a random song that wants to be part of Twilight's soundtrack, but who cares. it's a good piano piece and really depressing. lol.

2008-11-16T11:40:00.001+08:00

i can't waaaaaaaaaaait!T_T

2008-11-10T23:06:00.004+08:00

last friday i slept late, the next morning i had 10am classes only to find out that my 3hr class professor for philgov't wasn't present, ugh.

and we had a 4hr break afterwards, wish i slept moreeeeee!

but then something came up, kester invited us over to his place to lounge and watch crappy films til our design, so there...wii, bonding time with my RMA class lol. since the other half had RMA during our 4hr break, boo first half.:))

then after design class i went somewhere to meet up with some friends. night out was fun guysssss! though there were unexpected things that happened that night as always it was fun hangin out with them. rbjosepaopao! you guys are the bestt!

i'm really tireddd from the night out, arrived home at around 8am, LOL. but then we had to meet up at UST (my blockies) for our site visit to fort bonifacio, this probably was the longest day i had ever because we had to go there through commute. i came on time at 10am, waited for around 30-45 mins for the next groupmate then another 30mins for the other two.T_T

pero okay lang, paninindigan ko na punctuality ko. haha. kaw kase ang aga mo e.

went to the fort, well not really there exactly, somewhere around the borders of fort bonifacio to look for NAMRIA (National Mapping something) because it's there that our first major plate, which is really boring if you'd ask me, would be located.

around 2to3 pm we decided to go home to avoid the rush hour, arrived home at 430pm.

pagdating ko higa sa kama, pagmulat ng mata ko 8am na the next day. hahahahahahah.

well, mahirap pagsabayin ang lakwatsa at school.

AT TAENA NGA PALAAAAAAA, THESIS NA BUKASSS. I NEED A FREAKIN TOPIC, nakakatakot.

8th8th8th8th8thh!!!! sorry di ko nasagot fone ko, nasa jeep ako.T_T

good times, hehe.=D

2008-11-01T07:03:00.002+08:00

heh best halloween ever.

i'm not really a party person, but we managed to go from eastwood to makati and to manila all in one night, haha! what a way to end the sembreak than the spontaneity of it all, thanks guys haha.

it wasn't a perfect night tho, as fun as it already was. i miss you! hee.=D

let's do this again sometime, but most probably that'd be on the christmas vacation because of !@*&$(@ schedule from monday to sunday, haha. kumusta naman social life ko diba?

happy end of semestral breakkK!!!!! not.

2008-10-30T00:50:00.001+08:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

hahahahahahahaha.

2008-10-22T01:23:00.005+08:00

it was a little over 7pm and i was alone on the grounds, chilly at the very least and it's quite empty because it was kind of late. the sky was screened by clouds, moonlight slithering through patches from the northeast. a gush of wind blew around me, seemingly evoking console for my being detached from everyone else...it felt a tad bit comforting, though odd i thought to myself.

two more nights and you'll be gone again, i can't believe time went by that fast. i wish i spent more time with you, though i've stretched my unschoolboy nerve far enough for me to have the luxury of doing that. *sigh*

walking through an axis surrounded by a strip of manicured landscape came a feeling of gratitude that i'm still blessed to be given this treasure. through defined oak doors i strode past the vestibule and security, to a grandiose hall of white and wood. the ceiling was arched, vaulted from left to right, with arches spanning from where i stood to the end of the hall. to both my left and right were art sculpted, from the creases of the clothing down to the wrinkles in their skin, and large windows at regular intervals let in wind from both sides of the hall. the room was still, with the occasional whispers of the wind and rustling of leaves outside, the hall was empty.

i stopped to think, and thought that it's been a while since i came here. i looked around, though nothing has changed.

i didn't come here to ask for something, i came here to thank You.

i walked through the central aisle...and was looking back at how sad i was for the past year, through everything that's been thrown at me, through everything that my family is still going through, through the struggles i had to battle, through every trial that came my way...

but i am not sad now. i'm thankful, because i've been entrusted with this gift...and i will continue to prove myself worthy of the chance that You've given, of all people, to me.

i reached the end of the aisle, and sat on the front row. i bowed my head, and prayed to You. You've never let me down, even though i let You down...and i've lost count already. i'm thankful because i feel i'm not worthy of this...but still You gave it to me, You gave me this chance, and now i need to prove to You that i'm worth the chance. thank You for the life, but more importantly...thank You for the love.

with my head down i felt another gush of wind, sweeping through the room, brushing my cheek gently. i let go of the clasp i had in prayer, and was about to reach for my hanks when i held something warm, glanced to my right...and i smiled.

this is my gift...and i'm so thankful to have someone to care for, and someone who cares back. we're not given the luxury of time, but the two weeks that we've been given now is more than enough to prove that what we have is real. and that, is what we're thankful for. together we bow our heads, and thank You.

-

and yea, that was another cheesy post. but i can't help it. =D

aside from thinking of sad things to post on my blog i've been busying myself with VRAY for sketchup, and though everything seems a bit blank still at the mo i think i'm getting the hang of things already. but yeah, i should refresh myself on 3dsmax instead of this program because it's being used by, erm..the majority of this batch already. lol

inom tayo! gusto ko maglaseng! hee

2008-09-30T09:53:00.001+08:00

2008-09-16T23:15:00.006+08:00

dear blog.

i just came home and i'm really tired from school. but i'm happy still, because it's there that i forget everything that's making me sad. i looked at tons of books to get me psyched up for design, when i should have been working on my detailing for another dreadful wednesday. i don't know, i just need to be distracted. i don't want to think about it, but everytime i stay idle it flashes through my mind. so i'd rather keep myself busy, i don't want to be sad. i don't.

the other day i was working on my space programming, and i was diligently looking through notes i wrote from the last design class we had, and with another book open on my right hand side about theater design standards, my hands were really full even though it needn't be. i just wanted things to be done early, and i don't want to waste time.

what's wrong with me? aren't you happy i'm serious with school? aren't you happy i have the initiative to help around with the problems you usually ask help from me? what have i been doing wrong? am i not good enough?

and there you go again, calling me walang kwenta...telling me wala man lang akong malasakit sa inyo. i've been studying real hard, so that you guys would get every penny of your money's worth. i've been saving what i could so that i could help with what you would have been shelving out from your pockets at the expense of many things i've been used to having. i always wait for you guys to arrive before eating dinner, so that we could catch up from all the times we haven't been talking. i've been distancing myself from everyone because that's what you wanted me to do, that's what you've been shoving down my throat, i've been trying to do everything you wanted me to do, at the expense of my life. but what do i get? isn't that good enough?

it's really hard to hear that, from someone you care so much about...to tell you some of the words that would hit you real hard inside. when you know you've been doing everything you can to make them proud, but still they find it lacking.

it's too disheartening, that i cried in front of you. to show you how bad it felt to hear that from you. but what did you do? did you hug me and say sorry when you know you were at fault?

no you didn't, you even told me this is not what you expected of me. what more do you expect from me? what more do i need to live up to?

i wasn't even composed yet when you sent me off to a family that needs help in designing his house. how insensitive can you get? you know your son's hurt real bad, that he is in no condition to expose himself to everyone in this state, but what did you do?

i went back to my room with a very heavy feeling in my chest. i looked at my things scattered on the floor, and remembered why i was so intent on doing well in the first place. i started reading on theater design again and i couldn't help but get teary.

i've been doing this for you. i wanted you to be happy. :(

i'm really disappointed. not because i feel bad i'm not how you imagined me to be, but because i'm starting to lose hope. i'm starting to lose hope in this family. i don't know how to fix things anymore. i really don't know.

thank you blog, ikaw lang napaglalabasan ko ng ganto eh. :-|

2008-08-30T19:19:00.001+08:00

anak ka ng buddha arts wag ka na malungkot malapet na birthday mo! nagkasakit ka lang naging emo kana, pota. heheh retard mode sorry.

2008-08-30T15:43:00.002+08:00

LOL.=))

2008-08-20T16:52:00.003+08:00

I fear that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know Iâ€™ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

-

corny ahah.

2008-07-08T21:08:00.003+08:00

appreciation lang hinihingi ko.

kelan niyo ba ko binigyan ng break? kelan niyo ko huling nakitang hindi nagaaral? ni isang salita lang of appreciation, wala akong marinig from you. wala naman ako ginagawang masama, sesermonan niyo pa ko? susme naman halos mawalan na ko ng social life. halos wala na kong nakitang ibang lugar kungdi aral, kwarto, school, bahay. ni isang word of appreciation, nasan? kung ano ano nang pinasukan kong extra load para lang makita niyo na talagang ginagawa ko lahat para matuwa kayo, ano napapala ko? sermon pa kase hindi hindi niyo alam kung ano ginawa niyo sameng magkakapatid at nagkaganto kameng lahat? anong nagkakaganto? nag aaral naman ako. sinunod ko naman ang gusto niyong wag nang bumarkada. wag nang lumabas labas. wag nang magkaron ng social life kase that will come after graduation sabe mo. nasan na? nasan na appreciation? hindi na ba kayo makukuntento? nagmumukha na kong gago kaka aral, nagmumukha na kong tanga kaka hindi sa mga nag aaya sakeng lumabas. nagmumukha na kong anti social tulad ng gusto niyong mangyare saken. ano na? tuwa na kayo? baket hindi paren? gusto ko na magwala dito, kaso dagdag sermon na naman yan. sasabihin niyo na naman mga walang kwenta kameng anak. walang kwenta pa ko sa lagay na to? makapal na kung makapal mukha ko, pero kung wala akong kwentang anak pano pa yung iba dyan? wala na kong ibang bukambibig kungdi ust, aral, ust aral. hindi na ba kayo matutuwa?

2008-07-07T01:06:00.001+08:00

Til Kingdom Come (Acoustic in Japan) - Coldplay

2008-07-05T23:38:00.004+08:00

it's funny how the one thing that makes us happy could also cause the worst our hearts could feel. cliche to point this out, overly over said if i may put it. but it really is true.

i would've veered away from the risk of hurting myself (and you in the process) of loving a person that you shouldn't because everything else won't let you both. but i did, because i know it's worth it, i know we're worth it.

i wish i could just pull myself away from what i've put myself into, but at the same time i don't. because i would've never felt this way for someone who felt this way for me as well.

i admit i'm never good with relationships, but you're still with me. not in a way that anyone else can, but you're still with me.

i'm happy knowing you're there for me, but at the same time i'm depressed over the fact that we can't be the way we wanted to be because of our situation. i'm happy i have you as you, but i'm depressed because i can't have you the way i wanted to at the same time. it's a whole chock of mixed emotions, that i want to cling on to but at the same time i want to escape from.

oh love.

-

so now my life's as it is when i'm depressed. i overwork myself. i do everything i can to forget everything, to escape from everything, to hide everything. because i don't believe in wasting time. i don't believe in investing time on something like regretting you're feeling this way over someone, because there's no reason for regret...though there is at the same time too. my head's fighting by itself over the ideals that i have. over the ideals that conflict within me, so i try to turn away...turn away from everything. pretend i'm okay, focus on something productive.

but in the end it's just that, a temporary refuge from everything that's eating you up.

kung pwede lang iiyak ng isang iyakan lahat ng problema ko sa buhay ginawa ko na.

but yeah, that's not how things work. it's a slow and torturous learning process. something we all have to go through to realize that we're all evolving to something we weren't before it. that's how we humans deal with everything, we learn step by step...however tedious and hurting it is, we should go through it to have this certain fulfillment that we've lived through life as it is.

i'm on sleeping pills now, because i haven't been able to sleep well lately.

actually it's almost every night already, oh well.

night.

2008-06-14T09:03:00.003+08:00

Hilton's Tinkerbell Finds Love With Madden's Mutt

13 June 2008 1:11 AM, PDT

Paris Hilton's close ties to Good Charlotte's Madden twins has inspired her dog to date her potential brother-in-law's pet.

Hilton.s Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, and Joel Madden.s pit bull terrier, Eazy, are reportedly a hot item after finding romance in the dog basket.

Hilton tells Life + Style magazine, .Tinkerbell definitely has a crush on him. Things are getting pretty serious..

Benji Madden, Paris. boyfriend and Joel.s brother, reveals the pooches met at a recent house party: .We wish them the best. They seem happy.. (imdb.com)
-

lololololol. funny news. don't they have anything better to write about than two four legged critters being a hot item? lol.

2008-05-19T21:58:00.001+08:00

how do you fix a family that's not broken?

it's not too late, but i don't know how to start. :(

2008-05-07T20:32:00.001+08:00

awwww. sad sad poster for me. :(

haha. feel ko iiyak ako sa sixth film.

2008-04-26T21:32:00.005+08:00

senglot si hermione granger?

zoom niyo. hindi ata uso ang panties sa wizarding world.

asan na daw ba kase wand ni harry potter? ibigay nio na! haha.

-

ano nang nangyayare sa mga kabataan ngayon? tsk tsk.

2008-04-21T23:21:00.001+08:00

Grint Dislikes "Bragging" Lohan

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix star Rupert Grint has ruled out moving to Los Angeles to boost his movie career - in fear of meeting party girls Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. The 19-year-old actor isn't keen on moving to Hollywood after a fraught meeting with the Mean Girls star left him disappointed by her egotistical boasts. And the British star has no intention to hook up with Lohan's former party pal Paris Hilton either. He says, "I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, 'But you can't act'. I haven't met Paris and don't want to either. She and Lindsay are the type of girls you need to stay away from." (IMDB.com)

-

ang angas ni ron. haha. sorry naman. lol.

2008-04-18T13:58:00.003+08:00

i've been struggling to post something good, but found no idea worth putting into writing.

i was browsing through some forums and found this game they had about harry potter. they were to write as characters from the books would, then the next letter would be sent to the character the last message was sent on to. lol. read on.

-

Nymphadora,

Hey last night was amazing, sorry you were late to meet Remus,

but hey when he goes out howling at the moon again - you know that i'll be waiting for you....

Argus

Dear Argus,
what were you doing with this dirty fleabag?
You are my sweet little purrfur. Meet you next night.

Mrs. Norris

My love,

I get it you mean nymphadora...
Oh come on i was just offering her a shoulder to cry on.You don't get jealous now...You'll always be my furry little sweety!Meet me tomorrow night at the gates???

Filch

Mr Filch,

How dare you bewitch me with Love Potion! Good God... if I were to have an affair (which I wouldn't, because I love my Remus) it would be with someone handsome like - er... well, like... Snape.

Leave me alone or I shall put Cruciatus on you, you filthy little Squib!

Tonks

My sweetie,

My love for you will protect me!!!Do whatever you want, you won't stop me...!
Please don't let Mrs Norris know.I konw she will be hurt.But my love,know that you are the only one in my heart.Leave that godawful werewolf and come live the ultimate love with me!!!

Faithfully yours Argus

My dearest sweet little Argus,
why are you running after someone you will never get? If you want absolute love just come to me. I wil be yours forever.
Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,
you shall know that I will never get over Nymphadora.My love for her is eternal...Also know that if I'm coming to you it is only for consollation.Please inform me which loo you're currently
inhabiting.
I have to go now.I can hear Mrs Norris aproaching.If she finds out she will leave me for ever...!

P.S. Just so you know, I'm not really a ghost guy but I'll make an exception for you!!!

Argus

Hey Argus!
That Myrtle annoying you? Or is your cat too pushy? Need help to get rid of them? Gimme a call. Price as usual.
Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Oh, Peeves, such a joy to hear from you!No,Myrlte is all right, actually there might be some romance in the way.I'm getting old you know, it's hard to find a decent girl at my age.It is Mrs Norris I'd like you to take care of.You know, she's a little too manipulative these days.I love her but I can't let her take over my life!!!

P.S.I know you said price as usual but I find it hard to make ends meet these days.I'd appreciate it if you could charge me less.

Argus

Well, Argie,
a threesome with you and that ghostgirl and your cat will no longer pester you. Think about it!
Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Man,I can't believe you're doing this for me!Thank you so much!!!When you're done come find me at the girls bathroom.I'll be with my sweet little Myrtle.I'll get my savings with me and pay you there.

Gratefully yours
Agrus

Dear Argus,
if you want to get rid of a pestering poltergeist, gimme a call. My fee is smaller, but my ... is a lot bigger
Hagrid

Dear Hagrid, Sirius doesn't feed me enough dead ferrets! I want to come back to Hogwarts! Please come find me! Love Always, Your Ever Loving Hippogriff, Buckbeak

Dear Buckbeak,
I will see to it that you get more of these ferrets you like so much and I promise that he will be punished.But for the moment I'm a little busy.You know this man'Filch is not that bad after all...I've been meaning for us to get a little closer but he won't return my messages...
You friend Hagrid

Deer Hagrid,
`ow are you? I would like to meet you soon. Com to France and we can do it wild. I need your littel `agrid and your two Muggles.
Olympe

My sweet Olympe,
I miss you so much,you and your two giant...well you know what...Send one of your carriages and I will come to you right away!(you know a thestral can't support me any more...!)
Yours Hagrid

Dear Hagrid,
even if I called you a filthy half-breed, I must admit that I fancy your muscles. I have a thing for big strong man. So, may I invite you to dinner?
Send the owl back with a date ASAP.
Hungry for you
Dolores Umbride

Dear Dolores,
I appreciate you kind words.I have to admit you are one charming lady too.But I have to tell you that even if I come you are not the one in my heart.That place belongs to my sweet Olympe!But I will do an exception for you.
So,I'm coming to you next week.Prepare yourself for something big!!!
hold yourself woman,I'm coming!

The Big Guy

Dear Hagrid,
I would like to meet your little Hagrid and his two Muggles. Visit my office after dark.
Albus D.

Hey Al!
Wow,man it seems I've been quite popular lately...I want to you to know this is a little too hard for me...(well this one is a first for me ...)So,I want a little something for it and don't go for bronzes there...!)
Anyway,you'll have to wait a week or something,I'm on my way to France now.
So,see you next week then.12.00,your place...

H.

Hi Hagrid,
my neighbour told me that on your way to France you stopped by our house. Yet oddly enough I did neither see nor hear you. It should have been sometimes last week. I asked Ron about it, but he just giggled and blushed. Very strange.
I hope you will show up soon to explain what this means.
Kind regards
Hermione

Ron,you stupid brat!
You told me she was away!Now be careful and reveal nothing!She will ruin the whole business...You know I need the money...I can't have customers in my little hut anymore!I've got to go for something more comfortable...
She may try to torture you but don't give in!Be a man buddy!(well as much as you can be anymore,after last week....!)

Hagrid

Hagrid,
this is getting far too risky. Hermoine dug an XXXXXL condome out from under the bed. A used one, that is. She said something about a DNA test (whatever that is, I have no idea). But I guess we are in trouble. We have to find a new location. Maybe Harry´s house. I am sure he will join us for a threesome. But we have to get rid of Ginny first. I´ll ask Harry and contact you ASAP.
Hugs and more
Ron

Ron,
this is too much you're asking for,man...
But I have to say the idea of a threesome is quite tempting!Did you say that was an XXXXXL????Well then,that changes some things...!I'll send Ginny and the kids to your mother to spend the weekend.I'll tell them I'm going fishing with you...alright?Say the same too.
Be sure to bring all your stuff.Please tell Hagrid too.

Looking forward to seeing you!!!

Harry

Dear Harry,

I'm bored. And would love to stretch once in a while! I don't like this shape.

Love,
Your scar

Dear Scar

who the bloody hell have you been cheating on me with, i seem to have caught the clap and i know for a fact it isnt me, you dirty orible dirty scandral, wait till i get my hands on you

with hatred
Harrys freckle

Dear Freckle,
I'll let you know that my relationship with my scar has lasted a lifetime. Especially when Voldemort was around, I took the liberty to fondle my scar when everyone else thought I was in pain. I would appreciate it if you would stop threatening my scar; afterall, you are only a freckle and I will not hesitate to have you removed by surgery. Please leave my scar alone.
Yours Truly,
Harry Potter

Harry honney,
I'm starting to worry here.The other day I walked into you in the bathroom you were talking to your scar....Is this a joke?Cause it's really freaking me out...Don't worry sweetie,whatever it is we will deal with it together...Just don't tell the kids...

Your ever loving wife,Ginny

-

the next bits are about hermione, ginny, and olympe teaming up against their husbands. haha. haba pa ehh. nakakatawa lol.

2008-04-11T03:10:00.003+08:00

brings back so much memories. haha. T_T

i want to play the piano again.

2008-04-07T23:12:00.001+08:00

i just had to relieve myself of the anger everything right now is making me feel. sorry for that.

2008-04-06T00:07:00.002+08:00

i've been mistaken as this kid's dad every time i'm with him outside.

come to think of it i kind of see a resemblance from one of my old photos to his recent one right below mine. or is it just my poor eyes that deceive me, dunno. heheh. love this kid.

2008-03-30T23:21:00.002+08:00

i miss school heheh.

2008-03-29T04:26:00.003+08:00

naexcite ako bigla mag ka anak. ano kaya feeling.

i won't be having one out of wedlock though, lesson learned from kuya. and knocked up. heheh.

-

2008-03-26T23:01:00.000+08:00

ENFP - The "Advocate"

Myers-Briggs Personality Types (Free Test)

ENFPs are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive. They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events. ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity. ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental.

About the ENFP

Expert Quotes & Links

"They can't bear to miss out on what is going on around them; they must experience, first hand, all the significant social events that affect our lives."

- The Portrait of the Champion Idealist (Keirsey)

"ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it."

- Portrait of an ENFP (The Personality Page)

"Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis."

- ENFP Profile (TypeLogic)

"outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking..."

- ENFP Jung Type Descriptions (similarminds.com)

"ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts."

- ENFP - The Visionary (Lifexplore)

"Ranked 1st of all 16 types in using social and emotional coping resources and 2nd in using cognitive resources. "

- ENFP Facts (discoveryourpersonality.com)

-

lol. bored.>_<

i failed NSTP yet again....wahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahh. shit. i failed again. wtf. AGAIN. taena.

better luck next year. heheh.

2008-03-21T16:56:00.003+08:00

frustrated na frustrated ung nagisip ng sign na to.

nakakatakot naman. haha.

vote! this coming erections!

ano daw. haha.

yun oh. horny care. hahaha.

cabbages and condoms = perfect combination?

haha. nakigaya lang ke james.:))

2008-03-21T00:46:00.007+08:00

i always thought it was cool watching national geographic every now and then. i just never thought i'd be watching it the whole day. (well, not the whole day WHOLE DAY. was constantly shifting from mtv, to myx, to nat geo from time to time.) though i spent more to nat geo than the other two. wala lang.

cool ng continental shifts and the malaysian smart tunnel.

i somehow regretted choosing architecture over civil engineering, though i saw the ad for religious faith (pilgrimage) and the reason why i chose architecture over civil engineering became clear to me again. heheh.

before there was UST and architecture as my prime choice for school and course, i was all set to go to los banos for civil engineering. honestly, i don't know what civil engineers do. all i know is that they're stuffed with math classes so i wanted to be an engineer. haha. pero seriously, i thought i wanted to be a civil engineer, because i was more familiar with what they did and what their scope of knowledge was. which was obviously, inclined more to the science than any other fields of knowledge.

i was never a good person to rely on with sketches, you see. and art never was one of my bests (ironic noh.) though somehow i wanted to be an architect because their works after done are there and visible, sturdy landmarks of what your vision is. of how you think and what goes on in your head. parang, it's a great way of selling yourself. cool i thought to myself. so there, i chose architecture.

pero ano kaya mangyayare if i chose UP over UST? hm. los banos, unang naiisip ko gubat gubat and stuff. haha. tae i kept on telling friends pa na i chose ust over up kase ang rural masyado ng laguna for me. i kinda wanted to go, pero i didn't want to ren. weird. though i think i would've enjoyed up din siguro, i don't like ust's style in teaching. lalo na sa architecture. hindi kase seryoso. what with mediocre professors *cough isip *cough and overly maluwag ones *cough montana *cough.

oh well. right now i' glad i chose architecture. this semester really made me realize how right i am with what i chose. because i'm loving what i'm doing. believe it or not i somehow enjoyed not sleeping for a major plate because i really wanted to show how my design worked and how i designed it to work. wala lang. the feeling's genuine kase, when you deliver what you wanted to.

heck, i even started working on sketches for my thesis proposal! excited diba, we're not supposed to start for thesis till the end of fourth year, pero i think it's better that i have a separate sketch pad for my thesis this early on so that i could put into writing various ideas that come into mind.

argh. parang. ang swerte ko to land on this course. it was unintentional, yet i found the passion for it. so un. wala lang.

yuck. ang random naman netong entry na to. haha.

-

three thousand seven hundred twenty dot thirty two nautical miles straight flying distance.

it feels good to know that there's something worth waiting for. heheh.

you're life's way of balancing things. reminding me that there are still many many MANY reasons out there to smile about. so, thank you. :)

-

lalo tuloy akong nasasabik sayo.

haha. yun yon eh.:))

yan ang mga linyang dapat tularan ngayon. hahahahahaha. panalo eh.

2008-03-17T22:07:00.009+08:00

the translucent glass covering of my overhead lamp lay covered with dust, suspended above twice my height, and attached to an intricately painted wooden ceiling fan which was designed with sophisticated carvings oriental in nature. pygmy stalactite-like protrusions come off from the white painted cement ceiling, some portions of it flake-y of age. the lights were off, and everything was still...if not for the buzz of an electric fan by the door, the room would be perfectly silent.

trash was littered everywhere. even with the absence of light you could tell that the room was not well-kept. various papers of no use lie on top of the table opposite the bed, and an unused drafting table rest stoic on one corner. by the door was a sofa; to which various bags, pants, and other soiled clothing was thrown cluttered and rumpled.

it was 412am. i could hear the soft breeze rustle outside, the pedicabs cycle by our driveway, music was playing somewhere across the street, thought it was impossible to distinguish what was on. it was an uneventful scenario, yet sleep and me seem pretty comparable to the value of x in relation to 0 in the equation y = x ^ -1. simply put, i can't freaking sleep.

messed up thoughts come unceasing through my mind. random ideas and tangled up memories. wish-i-didn't-do-things and wish-i-did-things. those that seemed perfect and them old beat-up moments that were all but membranes of my past.

ten years ago everything was perfect. we were a normal well-to-do-but-happy family. mom would take us to luneta, and somewhere in manila where there was a playground by the water, i would run back and forth from the slide to the tires that are secured to the sandy ground of the vicinity, not minding the sweat and toils of the heat our craggy metropolis had to offer. my brothers would do the same, and dad would be by the benches, reading newspapers while fuming on them white sticks.

then after that we'd be walking our dog, taking a stroll along dewey blvd. we'd be walking to a restaurant near the malate church, then we'd eat our lunch. kuya would scoop up his fart gas, then blow it all to my youngest brother. haha. we'd all laugh, except for mom. mom would begin nagging about table manners, and how we should behave when we're outside.

i'd eat a lot. and i mean, a reaaaaaal lot. lol.

i wish i was a kid again.T_T

now mum's been gone for 5 months. dad never comes home early, i never get to talk to him that much anymore. i don't talk to my brothers, unless i need to borrow my youngest brother's earplugs, or my other brother has a math homework, i rarely talk to them.

everytime i go home, it's like living with people you don't know anymore.

this family has gone through many things. and i wish we'd get through this one. i wish everything was normal again, or maybe we were just too infantine to conjure up a perfect little photo; a mix of yellow's and orange's and all the bright colors, when in fact all that were there were shades of gray. i don't know.

i was awoken from my thoughts by clangs of china by the kitchen outside. it was 447am, and still i can't seem to force my consciousness to dream away. i covered my head with my favorite pillow, though i suddenly remembered that it was ages since it last got laundered, so i settled for my new pillow instead.

i wish you would talk to me. tell me how your day went, then i'd tell you how mine went. i'd comment on how much of a bum you sounded like...and you'd kid on how much of a dork i was. i'd ask you about the dates you've been at lately, you'd always say you didn't have dates...i always thought you were lying, then eventually find out that i was right. it's okay. you never thought of me as a confidante the way i did you, anyway.

i'd remember us laughing before, seeing each other at school, though only for brief moments. i got attached to how sweet you were to me, but i wish i didn't get used to how you were. i'd misconstrue how you thought of me, though you always knew how i felt for you.

you kept me as one of your dolls, one of your toy soldiers saluting to your command, never leaving your side, guarding what he thought was worth it...although wanting to take cover at the same time. smiling and pretending everything was a tolerable affair, when in fact they're not. oh well.

moonlight came flooding through the ventanillas opposite from where i lay. the moon was a clean crescent; arched with it's lunette, swaying with the clouds it seemed. past our veranda was the skyline, beaming with streaks of blue and violet, tinges of orange from the horizon emanating outwards. it was 527am.

the school year's about to end. T_T omfg what am i going to do after graduation? i dunno, argh.

i wish there's an architect who would take me as an apprentice this summer. *crosses fingers*

i want to take up piano lessons. and 3d rendering classes. and swimming lessons. waaaaaah.

the math retake exam was waaaaaaaaay better than the first one.

i have a general iq of 137. wii.

though i think i'll be having alzheimer's when i get old. *T_T*

it's annoyingly hot outside now.o.O

and many more thoughts. heheh. sad, and depressing.

i wish you were here. i wish you were with me now.

oh well. goodnight.:)

P.S.

http://www.riemurasia.net/jylppy/displayimage.php?pos=-4945

i forgot, maruko-kun sent me this link, simple game...but i found it addicting. haha. click on the first choice from the two choices in the middle of the flash screen. then, don't let the cursor monster near your pointer, and be ready for his random tricks. lol.:)

2008-03-10T22:06:00.003+08:00

"Decisions shape our lives. Mathematics rationalizes the sifting of information and the balancing of alternatives inherent in any decision. Mathematical models underlie computer programs that support decision making, while bringing order and understanding to the overwhelming flow of data computers produce. Mathematics serves to evaluate and improve the quality of information in the face of uncertainty, to present and clarify options, to model available alternatives and their consequences, and even to control the smaller decisions necessary to reach a larger goal.

Mathematical areas like statistics, optimization, probability, queuing theory, control, game theory, modeling and operations research --- a field devoted entirely to the application of mathematics in decision making --- are essential for making difficult choices in public policy, health, business, manufacturing, finance, law and many other human endeavors. Mathematics is at the heart of a multitude of decisions, including those that generate electric power economically, make a profit in financial markets, approve effective new drugs, weigh legal evidence, fly aircraft safely, manage complex construction projects, and choose new business strategies.

Mathematics shows many faces as it works in these diverse settings. Statistics measures the quality of information. Optimization finds the best alternative. Probability quantifies and manages uncertainty. Control automates decision making. Modeling and computation build the mathematical abstraction of reality upon which these and many other powerful mathematical tools operate. Mathematics is indeed the foundation of modern decision making." (Paul Davis, 1996)

-

ano daw? haha.

:)

2008-03-10T12:06:00.001+08:00

haha. okay, whatever you say.:)

finals naaaaaaaa! mum's coming home this april, weeee. wonder what our plans this summer would be. *fingers crossed*

2008-03-09T22:13:00.002+08:00

i'm keeping my mouth shut (and my fingers gripped) because it's the right thing to do.

if you had even the slightest bit of maturity in you then you would do the same. all i was asking for was a fraction of your understanding. but if all you had were dwarfed by what happened then what i did was the right thing.

you could've stuck up with me, helped me get through all this, instead you went out with your friends telling them how i was the worst and that you were played.

i may not be the best for you but i know for real that i did not do anything wrong. i have my priorities. i have my reasons. i don't need to explain them to all of you, because i have the right to keep what i think should be kept. and to not pamper everyone with a jumbled up storyline cooked up to my favor.

i'm not stopping you. in fact, go tell everyone i'm the worst. all i know is that i am mature enough to not get affected with all these, because i have more pressing matters going on in my life to writhe about than a silly little love story gone rancid.

this is the first and last time i am going to speak up. what we had was good while it lasted. too bad it had to end this way.

2008-03-08T23:16:00.002+08:00

it's times like these that people need refuge in friends.

summer is fast approaching, another school year has ended. i honestly don't want this semester to end. i have so much happening around me that i don't want to stop being busy. siguro i'll go find a summer workshop, whatever. i just don't want to go home. not now.

daddy lolo was admitted last night to a hospital. somewhere. T_T huhu, please pray for him, ok?

:(

2008-03-03T20:43:00.002+08:00

central plaza plan.

front facade.

beachfront to access road view.

access road to beachfront.

Subic Bay Wave.

-

heheheheheh. ayos ba. :)

2008-03-02T13:56:00.000+08:00

mom.:(

2008-02-22T00:44:00.001+08:00

ahahah, panoorin naten toooooo.

2008-02-19T19:02:00.003+08:00

our float!

section six. aladdin.

macho ha. haha.

float nila.

bago mag set up sa truck.

kasama ang magagandang wives. haha.

si tantan feel na feel ang boobs.

section two. chronicles of narnia.

section three. pirates of the carribean.

fourth year section one.

photos grabbed from april's multiply.:)

kudos to every third and fourth year architecture students who did their best in the float parade. grabe nakakapagod. miss ko na si dumdummmm. after working on him for one week...binaklas lang siya in 30minutes. *sob*oh well, next year naman!:D

2008-02-17T13:20:00.003+08:00

floats, tomorrow morning. 10am.

one week. of working nonstop. one week.

manood kayo. UST. please?:)

2008-02-03T09:12:00.000+08:00

undo.

2008-01-25T18:04:00.000+08:00

vigan in 4 hours. di pa ko nagppack!

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

inaantok pa ko.zzz

2008-01-20T20:11:00.001+08:00

jumper. next month! nood tayoooooo.

2008-01-13T00:35:00.000+08:00

"nagpaulan ka na naman?"

asked dad the moment i came scrambling in through the front door. sprinkled all over with the downpour outside i nodded with a sarcastic smile, turned and started pacing up the stairs. with my displeasingly bulky canvass case and remarkably heavy book agonizing my right arm, i struggled through three levels of residentials to finally reach the foot of our veranda.

tinatamad na ko.

i'm actually depressed, but it just might be the rain. i lost my wallet today, sana may magsoli. i'm gonna miss my UAPSA cards, random math problems i solved and kept, the stored value card for my LRT commute every morning, reg forms since second year college...shit. ang dame pala. timezone cards pa! and one powerstation card with my picture sa likod. tangina. bobo mo wallet bat mo ko iniwan. *sob*

i want a new number. pero what's the point, i rarely use my celfone now anyway.

it's exams week again. no early morning classes for me next week, yay.

inggit talaga ako sa chronicles of narnia ng 3AR-2. sana samen na lang yannnnn. guys punta kayo ng UST, arki week. second week of february. the emperor's new groove kame. wii.:)

vigan next next weeeeeeeek. dadddeeeeeh, please?:(

bye.

2008-01-12T20:57:00.000+08:00

i lost my wallet today.:(

and suddenly i'm not so sure about Vigan anymore. *sob*

wish wish wish.

2008-01-09T13:25:00.000+08:00

cloverfield!

nood tayooooooooooooo.

2008-01-02T19:51:00.000+08:00

pasukan na naman.

hello, 2008.

2008-01-01T23:13:00.000+08:00

The dining hall was busy with the clutter of silverware and plates. Dinner was being served by the maids, while Tita and her daughters are busy chatting by the grand piano. The room was intricately garnished with the usual glistenings of yellow lights and silver foils, leavings of the season of giving that has just been celebrated to a close days ago. The Santo Niño by the door to the right of the piano, adorned with flowers of all sorts, smiled happily to everyone in the room; while a piece of China by it was giving off a very unusual glow. The place seemed to exude a limitless aura of happiness that usually comes with the holiday seasons. Oh how these all feels good, i wish everyday was like this.

A little less than a week ago the whole family was complete in this same hall. Looking at everyone in the room, watching as everyone seemed so happy to be with each other...spending this rare opportunity to be close to complete, amidst the busy schedules our separate lives have put us through...it was perfect. Well, close to perfect. We're one family member short you see, mum's still abroad. Sad, but Christmas really felt different...for me anyway. I wish she was here to celebrate this day with us. But alas, one can only pray that everything was as perfect as he wants things to be.

"Baaaangg!!"

I was awoken from my thoughts by a loud explosion from outside, followed by the sounds of glass breaking from the Dining Hall. The lights that glittered the room fluctuated with the impact of the explosion as dried paint flakes from the age old ceiling rained on everyone in the room. Grandpa rushed outside to see what caused the explosion, and found out that it was a firecracker aptly named "Bomba ni Bin Laden".

wtf?!?!!!

It's war outside. Well, not really. But it feels like it. Crackers feel more and more dangerous as years go by. Haha, not that i'm against this...it's fun, by the way. I was practically holding up one finger to my left ear to cover up some of the noise as I am really prone to cracker shocks and I might break anything I have my hand on if I'm startled too much.

It was an hour to midnight, and the New Year's about to start. Five large boxes of firecrackers lay untouched beneath the working table by the garage, we're all too lazy to fire them up outside because X-Men was still on tv. I was at the Dining Hall having my fourth helpings on the food, while everyone else was glued to the tv watching Jean Grey's death in X2. Haha.

Thirty minutes to midnight and we finally thought of starting the fireworks outside. We opened the gate and, wow... it was, war. haha. Paper littered everywhere as scraps from previous firecrackers seemed to carpet the asphalt driveway in front of my grandpa's place. Countless Luces sticks have been thrased by the other side of the road, and it was hard to breathe as fog's covering up majority of our surrounding. There was a crowd drinking to the right, the neighbors shouted "tagay naman dyan!!" and i politely said no (haha.) Explosions seem to come from all sides. There's not a word really to describe this other than that, war.

We found shelter by the right side of our driveway. Kuya started lighting up the fireworks some 30 ft from us, when suddenly continuous booms reverbrated from our back. Someone lit up a fucking Sintoron ni hudas without even telling us off!! tangina talaga. We ran to the house again and after a little while Dad was all ballistic and they moved farther back from our house. haha. And then it started.

Fifteen Minutes before midnight, and we were all outside. Minus the loud bangs and annoying explosions now and then, the view was spectacular. Almost everyone from the neighborhood was outside, watching as lights seem to flood the skies and loud music was playing all over. Flashes of the past year seem to knock by my consciousness as I watch these magnificent display above us. I looked around and saw everyone celebrating, happy...drinking to the new year, enjoying the lights.

Five Minutes to midnight, when all of a sudden another loud bang rumbled from a little more than 2 streets away from us. With this bang came a white light, and then all electricity went out. My hands are all cold and sweaty from the tension all the explosions are causing me. At first I was scared, but then I looked up and saw the fireworks embracing the skies above, lighting up the streets with the red and green, dancing by the clouds...drifting away with the wind. This, was magical. In the midst of all the roars of the firecrackers and the explosions that trembled the surrounding, was this feeling of relief that another year has passed by. Another year, another year has passed by.

Happy New Year everyone.:) hm...well, at least I'm trying to start a new year happy.

wala ako masabe. ang dameng nangyare sa taon na to. yun lang.

2007-12-27T23:58:00.001+08:00

i don't want to forget.

i don't.T_T

pero. ayun. what choice do i have.

new number. new IM. new year.

happy ba? hm.

2007-12-27T23:19:00.001+08:00

obvious ba?

-

short film. the burnham plan of manila. T_T

kelangan pa ba ng storylineeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? seryoso?

research, research. second major plate.

interview an architect, sino gusto ng partner? wala pa ko. *sob*

history of architecture plate. *sob sob sob*

-

ang dame palang gagawin.

2007-12-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

haha. this cheered me up.

mini slooooooooooooths.:))